despite...

perhaps we will never know the meaning of life... never understand all the lessons we're supposed to learn, do all the growing God would love us to do. perhaps we will struggle more than have fun, be filled more with remorse and sadness, than with joy and pleasure. perhaps this will just be for a while.

but despite of all this, i will rejoice in the Lord. and as Habakuk says, even though there is no fruit on the land, even though things do not work out the way we thought it would, even though we hurt those we love more than we ever thought possible, or get hurt by those who love us... despite the fact that sometimes God feels far (although He promises to never leave or us nor forsake us, and i know His word is true). despite anything that this world has thrown at me, or wants to do in future... despite all of this, the struggles, the tears, the pain, the "not knowing if i'll make it to tomorrow"...

despite this, i will rejoice in the Lord. because He says I will turn your mourning into dancing, your tears into laughter. and i'll believe Him, because He is my God. may you know His constant presence close to you, even when you feel that you are in the dark. Remember God is light and He will lead you, also through this..

one day at a time...

today is a hard day. having received so many blessings on a spiritual, emotional and financial level i do not want to sound like i am not being thankful, for an amazing God that provides and cares and never abandons us.

but today is hard.

having woken up with a sms to carry my brother in prayer (the one that lost his darling little girl) and just feeling the great pain inside again for my little niece that was supposed to turn 7 in little less than a month and a half, today i've found hard. i've battled to concentrate, i've battled to go on with a "normal" life. i've battled to keep on keeping on. and i've known that in struggling, i'm definitely not the only one carrying pain.

i have stood amazed at the different ways that people try and help and make you feel better or relate or do not know how to relate others pain. to be quite honest, dealing with someone's pain is hard, no matter how trained we are in counselling or caring for each other as Christians. because when it really comes down to it, there is nothing you can say to make things better. you can be there, you can physically hug someone, but no words can make the pain go away. the only thing to do in the coalface of pain is to pray... and even that is hard sometimes... trying to find the words when none is left.

some people in not knowing what to say have said, perhaps it was for the best (for who? even though i know on an intellectual level that eternity is better). someone has said whether we're feeling better now (how, when there is still so much pain and missing). some even says that you just have to tell yourself she's never coming back and to get on with life (sound advice, but the reason we're hurting is because we know we will only see her again in the after-life). someone else even mentioned that God plucks the most beautiful flowers for decoration in heaven (do you know how cruel that sounds).

i am thankful today for people that care... even those who muck it all up in trying to do so. i am even more thankful for family and friends that has just held us, in their arms, in their thoughts and in their prayers. i am thankful that i know that God loves us and have experienced Jesus personally in my life.

i am thankful today that there is eternity, that i know where ilne lives and that i know that she is happy and looked after. but i struggle with wondering why our little angel had to go. and i am struggling seeing the hurt that it causes my family.

i suppose life isn't fair and it would even be more unfair if God let all the bad stuff only happen to those who are not His children. i suppose there is so much we will never understand in this life. and i suppose that is ok.

so even on a day like today, i'll remember that God's grace for today will be sufficient. i'll be thankful for those who uphold us in their prayers. and i'll keep close to God... when there's nowhere else to go.

if you are in pain today, whether physically or emotionally, may God through this simple prayer, cover you in cotton wool, hide you beneath His wing and keep your mind at peace through His Holy Spirit.

for who I am or what I can do for you...

having grown up as a Christian and knowing the blessing of God's favour, I think we can so easily confuse things.

God has been speaking to me about whether I love Him for who He is, or for what He can do for me.

I suppose it follows on from our family's current struggle with faith as we stand in the aftermath of so much faith and so many promises and then having to say goodbye to our beloved little Ilne. life will never be the same again, after the month of February 2007. there is a whole in our hearts that sometimes are just unbearable to carry and then sometimes, like this morning, i could honestly give myself over to worship, even though i still do not understand and most probably never will. for that instance, i can go beyond my heart that hurts and just joyfully enter into His glorious presence.

but God says.... you, you have known my love for all time, you who have experienced my grace and blessing for the 1000 generation, because of your forefathers honoring me, you who have grown up in a privileged home, never having excess, but having more opportunities than 90% of the earth's population, why do you love Me?

is it so that you will be protected from evil, is it so that I will bless you? do you serve me, because that's what all the generations before you has done? and are you loving me, for what I can do for you?

so quick am i to say, no Lord, i love you for who you are. but then when i get angry about what has happened this year and last and the one before, where it feels like my prayers did not get answered, where it feels like satan is driving a wedge into the sanctuary of having a family that is saved... there i have to stand still and evaluate. Do I know God for who He is, do i really know Him as person, who wants to have a relationship with me? Do i really seek Him for Him? or do i seek Him for me, for what i can get out of it....

if someone was engaging with me, just because they could get something out of the deal, i'd be pretty devastated. if someone told me they loved me and stopped loving me when they don't get their way, i'd say it is pretty cheap love. if someone only spent time with me, expecting to be rewarded, i'd be quite hurt. i could imagine ever becoming vengeful and distant if that was why someone loved me.

and therefor i do thank God that He is God and not me. He is faithful, forgiving, kind, gracious. He is God, who, even in the times, and sometimes that feels like more often than not, even in those times, where i serve Him for what i can get out of it, and He must feel like i treat Him like a push-button God, even then... He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.

and i fall on my knees, and say, Lord, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, help me... teach me, who You are. Help me to Love You for Who You are. Because You are Who You are.

because of who He is

ever go through days where things just seem sort of out of whack... ? the times when you have the head knowledge of being a Kingdom child, but the heart seems to somehow have been left behind.

sometimes if you're lucky, it might just last for a day... sometimes it lasts for a little bit or a lot longer. you might have heard people speak about a desert experience. and as much as you would like to live as an example to the world, things seems just do not seem to quite gel.

i think that's when our spirits are crying out to slow down, spend some time at the feet of Jesus, hang onto that what you have learnt. repeat God's promises, delve into the Word, soak up the presence of the Holy Spirit, our Helper.

do this to obtain peace of mind, not because of how we feel, but because of who God is. He says that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He says that He will provide our every need. He says that He is Jehova Jireh, our Provider. He says that He is our Father. He says that He is our Redeemer. He says He is our Saviour.

When i think i am not strong enough, He says I am.

When i feel that i'm not going to survive this, He says I am.

When i struggle and feel like i've lost the way, He says I am.

When i feel that there's no joy left, He says I am.

When i feel that i can not figure life out, He says I am.

When i think there's no way, He says I am.

so luckily, today is not depending upon what i feel or think. it is dependent on who He is. Let's hang onto that... that He is the Great I am... but most of all, that He loves us more than we can ever imagine!

When we're hurting...

I've realised early on in life that "Life is what happens when we've got other plans." I'm not always sure whether it is because God says His grace is new every morning and our society has taught us that we have to make the 5 year plan / 10 year plan, which does not seem to align....

But the fact is, that more often than not life does not turn out the way you planned it or expected it to. And sometimes even the best intentions from people that love you, hurt.

And it's so easy to turn that hurt into resentment and anger. To feel self-righteous and justified and hurt back. It seems to be part of our old nature.

But God says: "Bring it to me. Bring it all to me."

So when we're hurting Jesus says I've already paid the price, and in the New Heaven and on the New Earth there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more hurting. But seek my Kingdom here, today.

I suppose that is why so many people who return to this life after seeing heaven, says "we do not understand, the life hereafter is more amazing than we could ever imagine". And it is forever...

I could do with sitting at the feet of Jesus, today, while I am hurting and forever more.

I don't understand...

It's been almost two weeks since our little Ilne left for heaven. Some days are harder than others and some days are easier.

There are some days that I wish the sun would not rise and then there are some when I have complete peace.

Do I understand why even when we stood in faith, God still allowed Ilne to make the choice and leave this earth... no I don't. Do I understand why we got so many confirmations on so many occassions that we had to pray and believe? no I don't. Do I understand why God allowed our family to go through this heartache, even though I know that I know that He loves us more than we could ever imagine?... no I don't. Is it easy for me to say that healing can also mean in this life hereafter.... no, it still feels like a cop-out.

Do I understand why some people get healed and others dont... No I do not have answers for that. Is it going to be easy to walk this road and learn to trust what I hear God saying... no it is still a long road ahead.

So what do I know?

• I know that Ilne was never alone, through all of it Jesus was there right beside her


• I know that we're in Christ and He is in us, so that our pain and our anguish He felt and carried, and paid for on the cross long before these days


• I know that we will be reunited with her one day in heaven, because this life is just a sandgrain compared to the rest of eternity


• I know that one morning I will get up and although there will always be a gap in my life, I will smell the flowers and see the colours in the sunrise again - not because I've forgotten her, but because she would want me to live life to the full


• I know that through all of this, God brought us closer as a family and as a family in Christ. We were never alone, His life-giving Spirit carried us where we couldn't walk and will continue doing so on the hard days


• I know that God is faithful and that God is God, sovereign and holy!

Someone asked me during the time if there was any good news? I could not help but answer "The good news is that Jesus is alive and therefor, no matter what happens, we can live and never die!!"

I definitely do not claim to have the answers and I definitely do not claim to have overcome it all. But I know that God's grace is infinite and even there where there are no answers... there still is God.

A celebration of our angel's life - we will see you in Heaven!

Exactly a month after Ilne's accident, we had a memorial celebration of her life and a time to say we say goodbye but for a short while, we will see you again. Although some days are harder than others, we have a hope in Christ, that she is alive and only waiting for us on the other side of the finish line.

There were toadstools and balloons in pink and purple and flowers with butterflies and strings of beads. A powerpoint celebrating her life and a choir dance, which proclaimed, "God is light, there is NO darkness in Him!". And amongs our tears of missing her and not understanding, God reassured us that "He is faithful!" And that He loved us more than we could ever know.

We know that it was just a glimpse of the celebration in heaven. I've asked Jesus to make sure that she has sweet tea, and ice-cream and loud music and that someone will do different hairstyles everyday! I know He has heard my prayer. And as we walked out and have to go on with life, we know that our lives have been touched by an angel, whose race has been run. At some point in time it felt like satan had won, but God reminded me that Ilne had won, she had achieved the ultimate prize, eternal life after finishing her race.

The question remains: What will happen with you when you get to the end of your race? Will you have found Jesus and know that He is the one that saves... He stands at the door and knocks, eternity is a reality. What is your answer?