for small mercies...

today i will be thankful for small mercies. in a week where my heart was shattered in a million little pieces, i was held by the Almighty God. Held by a Father that protects us, and never lets us go...

and although this weekend feels like an eternity, i will be thankful for small mercies. for a brother that SMS me to see that i'm ok, i am eternally thankful. for a niece that is lying sleeping on my couch to keep me company, i thank God.

for a roof over my head in this intense storm, water pouring as if it is emptying heaven. for a gift to be able to write and put down my thoughts and emotions.

for a rugby team, that played like they should :) (yeah, i know it's a bit shallow). for the opportunity to enjoy the moment. for friends who truly care for me, and check up on me when i become too quiet. for a new little baby Nate added to our cellgroup at church and his parents that are keeping their eyes on God, even though they don't know the detail fo God's plans for this special child.

for the ability to exercise at the gym - albeit under great protest. for a cupboard overflowing with clothes, a fridge full of food, electricity and water and music equipment and everything else we take so easily for granted.

for the love i have known in my life, for the grace that has been more than enough. for a family which i could not have chosen better myself. for a mom and a dad that is still in love and speaks of the way a marriage should be.

for new opportunities in work. for having loved and lost. yes even for that i am thankful.

and when i look at all these things, i know that my gratitude is not for small mercies, but immense vast showers of blessings. God has said my grace is enough for you and i know, that is true. how is it then, that sometimes we get caught up in what we don't have, instead of what we do have.... today i will overflow with gratitude.

one day at a time...

today is a hard day. having received so many blessings on a spiritual, emotional and financial level i do not want to sound like i am not being thankful, for an amazing God that provides and cares and never abandons us.

but today is hard.

having woken up with a sms to carry my brother in prayer (the one that lost his darling little girl) and just feeling the great pain inside again for my little niece that was supposed to turn 7 in little less than a month and a half, today i've found hard. i've battled to concentrate, i've battled to go on with a "normal" life. i've battled to keep on keeping on. and i've known that in struggling, i'm definitely not the only one carrying pain.

i have stood amazed at the different ways that people try and help and make you feel better or relate or do not know how to relate others pain. to be quite honest, dealing with someone's pain is hard, no matter how trained we are in counselling or caring for each other as Christians. because when it really comes down to it, there is nothing you can say to make things better. you can be there, you can physically hug someone, but no words can make the pain go away. the only thing to do in the coalface of pain is to pray... and even that is hard sometimes... trying to find the words when none is left.

some people in not knowing what to say have said, perhaps it was for the best (for who? even though i know on an intellectual level that eternity is better). someone has said whether we're feeling better now (how, when there is still so much pain and missing). some even says that you just have to tell yourself she's never coming back and to get on with life (sound advice, but the reason we're hurting is because we know we will only see her again in the after-life). someone else even mentioned that God plucks the most beautiful flowers for decoration in heaven (do you know how cruel that sounds).

i am thankful today for people that care... even those who muck it all up in trying to do so. i am even more thankful for family and friends that has just held us, in their arms, in their thoughts and in their prayers. i am thankful that i know that God loves us and have experienced Jesus personally in my life.

i am thankful today that there is eternity, that i know where ilne lives and that i know that she is happy and looked after. but i struggle with wondering why our little angel had to go. and i am struggling seeing the hurt that it causes my family.

i suppose life isn't fair and it would even be more unfair if God let all the bad stuff only happen to those who are not His children. i suppose there is so much we will never understand in this life. and i suppose that is ok.

so even on a day like today, i'll remember that God's grace for today will be sufficient. i'll be thankful for those who uphold us in their prayers. and i'll keep close to God... when there's nowhere else to go.

if you are in pain today, whether physically or emotionally, may God through this simple prayer, cover you in cotton wool, hide you beneath His wing and keep your mind at peace through His Holy Spirit.