on a journey...

it's been a while since i've blogged... it's been a hard journey to be on... somehow sometimes it seems that being a Christian makes life harder... but i also know that without God in my life, I wouldn't know how to live.

Right now, God is teaching me about resting in Him. now if you're even a little bit like me, patience is definitely not your strong point. patience has NEVER been my strong point. sorting things out, making sure everything and everyone's ok, now you've got me there... but this waiting... upon His Will, His decisions, His guidance... although i know very well that if i do not wait, i will muck it up... i'm just not that good with.

so there are times that i sit at God's feet and literally say, "Lord, i'm hopeless at this, i've tried and failed over and over again, teach me... teach me how to wait upon you." and then some days i see a glimpse of that... sometimes i can even almost get through a whole few hours, before my head starts to do me in again. sometimes... i see a glimpse of what God has in store for me, if i can just wait.

and other times, i just do not seem to be able to do what i want. how i relate to paul saying the good that he wants to do, he can't and the bad that he doesn't want to do, he does... maybe that's why it is in the Bible, because even Paul, who wrote so much of the Bible, battled with doing what he wanted to to please God.

so for now, i'll go forward in my journey.... Abraham was very old before God called him.... so maybe there is still some hope for you and me... now if only i could know where to... see there i go again... Lord teach me to wait PATIENTLY at Your feet, because i know that your timing is perfect.

it would have been her birthday celebration...

on Friday, 29 June 2007, our Ilne would have been seven. seven short years that we had been lent a little angel to receive a touch from heaven.

her birth was announced by her proud father, saying that she wanted to share in her mom's birthday cake. her mom was also born on that day.

it was harder than i thougth it would be. it reminded me of the all the birthdays to come, that we wouldn't have with her. and knew that as my other brother had rightly said, it will never really get that much better.

in the same week, a little girl, mikayla was found murdered in the back yard of her neighbour, in Swellendam. she was also only six years old. and somehow, something inside said enough.

i can not bring ilne back and by God's grace? it was freak accident that took her away, but in this society, this so-called new democracy, we've seen too many of our children murdered, raped, abused.

it is time to start fighting this evil with our voices, to pray to the living God of our nation to stop the hurt. too often we speak death, about the crime in our land, the drugs, the abuse, instead of praying for life. if you are reading this, i'm asking you to make a stand. a prayer stand, because that's the only thing that will change this land. God.

and we need to stand in the gap and pray for the miracle of change, in the hearts and minds of all of us in this land.

may you join me in this...

one day at a time...

today is a hard day. having received so many blessings on a spiritual, emotional and financial level i do not want to sound like i am not being thankful, for an amazing God that provides and cares and never abandons us.

but today is hard.

having woken up with a sms to carry my brother in prayer (the one that lost his darling little girl) and just feeling the great pain inside again for my little niece that was supposed to turn 7 in little less than a month and a half, today i've found hard. i've battled to concentrate, i've battled to go on with a "normal" life. i've battled to keep on keeping on. and i've known that in struggling, i'm definitely not the only one carrying pain.

i have stood amazed at the different ways that people try and help and make you feel better or relate or do not know how to relate others pain. to be quite honest, dealing with someone's pain is hard, no matter how trained we are in counselling or caring for each other as Christians. because when it really comes down to it, there is nothing you can say to make things better. you can be there, you can physically hug someone, but no words can make the pain go away. the only thing to do in the coalface of pain is to pray... and even that is hard sometimes... trying to find the words when none is left.

some people in not knowing what to say have said, perhaps it was for the best (for who? even though i know on an intellectual level that eternity is better). someone has said whether we're feeling better now (how, when there is still so much pain and missing). some even says that you just have to tell yourself she's never coming back and to get on with life (sound advice, but the reason we're hurting is because we know we will only see her again in the after-life). someone else even mentioned that God plucks the most beautiful flowers for decoration in heaven (do you know how cruel that sounds).

i am thankful today for people that care... even those who muck it all up in trying to do so. i am even more thankful for family and friends that has just held us, in their arms, in their thoughts and in their prayers. i am thankful that i know that God loves us and have experienced Jesus personally in my life.

i am thankful today that there is eternity, that i know where ilne lives and that i know that she is happy and looked after. but i struggle with wondering why our little angel had to go. and i am struggling seeing the hurt that it causes my family.

i suppose life isn't fair and it would even be more unfair if God let all the bad stuff only happen to those who are not His children. i suppose there is so much we will never understand in this life. and i suppose that is ok.

so even on a day like today, i'll remember that God's grace for today will be sufficient. i'll be thankful for those who uphold us in their prayers. and i'll keep close to God... when there's nowhere else to go.

if you are in pain today, whether physically or emotionally, may God through this simple prayer, cover you in cotton wool, hide you beneath His wing and keep your mind at peace through His Holy Spirit.

War... and I know who wins!

so often i've complained or heard Christians complain that life is hard and that it always feels like a struggle. having just gone through some major heartache about the Godly man that I love, having my car stolen, having my work contract cancelled and having seen bad things happen to Christian friends of mine, I've realised once again, this is War.

Ephesians 6: 12 says "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Having just started to ask people to pray for the business I'm in, praying for the deliverance of the one I loved, believing God for miracles, I am suddenly aware that it is War. God has been preparing me for months for this, for war. I had no idea, I had NO idea how hard it could be.

But Jesus' promises still remain: John 16:20 - 24 "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

So I will remember that faith is to believe that which we can not see. Faith is knowing that God works everything to the good of His children. He reminds me that it is a war and therefor I have to hold onto Him even more so and pray constantly.

And I believe the closer we move to God the harder the resistance will be. The nearer we get to the end times, the fiercer the battle. Let us prepare ourselves, by wearing the armour of God, by not letting satan have even the slightest hold on us. Let us not forget to remind the world who is God.

And let us unite in battle, with prayers and with faith and with the sword of His word in our hands. This is war... but we know who wins! God is in control.

surrendering...

surrender.... we use the word so often, that one could be forgiven for thinking that it is easy. and then i find that it is not...

and although i love God with all of my heart, i find that i still doubt, still try and hold on, still try and figure it out, still try and adjust and control in some sort of way, even if it is just to keep on praying and feeling a bit frantic, and that my actions and my prayers might somehow persuade God to answer...

and time and again, i fall on my face, i bleed, i cry, i wish things were different, i rebel at what doesn't seem fair or right, i worry, and i sometimes even resent not being able to change things around me.

and it's then, when at last i actually just feel like dying, crawling into a corner and never waking up, that God's gentle Spirit whispers into my secret place, there where just Him and I can go... deep down inside I become aware of this: "Surrender".

surrender your heartaches and your battles and your fears and your doubts and your human thoughts and your cries and your needs, because I say "I am the Way". "I am the Jesus that resurrected people from the dead, I am the Jesus that cried with Mary and Martha about Lazarus, I am the Jesus that calmed the storm." "I am the Father that says cast all your anxiety upon Me, because I care for you, I am the God that has good plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." "Even if a mother could forget her only child, I have not forgotten you, I have your name (and his) engraved in the palm of my hand."

"I have loved your with an everlasting love, I have bought you with the blood of my Son." "I will never leave you nor forsake you".

And in that quiet whisper, i know that i am home and nothing i can ever do will change things, but God can. And it's then that i surrender...