for who I am or what I can do for you...

having grown up as a Christian and knowing the blessing of God's favour, I think we can so easily confuse things.

God has been speaking to me about whether I love Him for who He is, or for what He can do for me.

I suppose it follows on from our family's current struggle with faith as we stand in the aftermath of so much faith and so many promises and then having to say goodbye to our beloved little Ilne. life will never be the same again, after the month of February 2007. there is a whole in our hearts that sometimes are just unbearable to carry and then sometimes, like this morning, i could honestly give myself over to worship, even though i still do not understand and most probably never will. for that instance, i can go beyond my heart that hurts and just joyfully enter into His glorious presence.

but God says.... you, you have known my love for all time, you who have experienced my grace and blessing for the 1000 generation, because of your forefathers honoring me, you who have grown up in a privileged home, never having excess, but having more opportunities than 90% of the earth's population, why do you love Me?

is it so that you will be protected from evil, is it so that I will bless you? do you serve me, because that's what all the generations before you has done? and are you loving me, for what I can do for you?

so quick am i to say, no Lord, i love you for who you are. but then when i get angry about what has happened this year and last and the one before, where it feels like my prayers did not get answered, where it feels like satan is driving a wedge into the sanctuary of having a family that is saved... there i have to stand still and evaluate. Do I know God for who He is, do i really know Him as person, who wants to have a relationship with me? Do i really seek Him for Him? or do i seek Him for me, for what i can get out of it....

if someone was engaging with me, just because they could get something out of the deal, i'd be pretty devastated. if someone told me they loved me and stopped loving me when they don't get their way, i'd say it is pretty cheap love. if someone only spent time with me, expecting to be rewarded, i'd be quite hurt. i could imagine ever becoming vengeful and distant if that was why someone loved me.

and therefor i do thank God that He is God and not me. He is faithful, forgiving, kind, gracious. He is God, who, even in the times, and sometimes that feels like more often than not, even in those times, where i serve Him for what i can get out of it, and He must feel like i treat Him like a push-button God, even then... He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.

and i fall on my knees, and say, Lord, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, help me... teach me, who You are. Help me to Love You for Who You are. Because You are Who You are.

because of who He is

ever go through days where things just seem sort of out of whack... ? the times when you have the head knowledge of being a Kingdom child, but the heart seems to somehow have been left behind.

sometimes if you're lucky, it might just last for a day... sometimes it lasts for a little bit or a lot longer. you might have heard people speak about a desert experience. and as much as you would like to live as an example to the world, things seems just do not seem to quite gel.

i think that's when our spirits are crying out to slow down, spend some time at the feet of Jesus, hang onto that what you have learnt. repeat God's promises, delve into the Word, soak up the presence of the Holy Spirit, our Helper.

do this to obtain peace of mind, not because of how we feel, but because of who God is. He says that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He says that He will provide our every need. He says that He is Jehova Jireh, our Provider. He says that He is our Father. He says that He is our Redeemer. He says He is our Saviour.

When i think i am not strong enough, He says I am.

When i feel that i'm not going to survive this, He says I am.

When i struggle and feel like i've lost the way, He says I am.

When i feel that there's no joy left, He says I am.

When i feel that i can not figure life out, He says I am.

When i think there's no way, He says I am.

so luckily, today is not depending upon what i feel or think. it is dependent on who He is. Let's hang onto that... that He is the Great I am... but most of all, that He loves us more than we can ever imagine!

When we're hurting...

I've realised early on in life that "Life is what happens when we've got other plans." I'm not always sure whether it is because God says His grace is new every morning and our society has taught us that we have to make the 5 year plan / 10 year plan, which does not seem to align....

But the fact is, that more often than not life does not turn out the way you planned it or expected it to. And sometimes even the best intentions from people that love you, hurt.

And it's so easy to turn that hurt into resentment and anger. To feel self-righteous and justified and hurt back. It seems to be part of our old nature.

But God says: "Bring it to me. Bring it all to me."

So when we're hurting Jesus says I've already paid the price, and in the New Heaven and on the New Earth there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more hurting. But seek my Kingdom here, today.

I suppose that is why so many people who return to this life after seeing heaven, says "we do not understand, the life hereafter is more amazing than we could ever imagine". And it is forever...

I could do with sitting at the feet of Jesus, today, while I am hurting and forever more.

I don't understand...

It's been almost two weeks since our little Ilne left for heaven. Some days are harder than others and some days are easier.

There are some days that I wish the sun would not rise and then there are some when I have complete peace.

Do I understand why even when we stood in faith, God still allowed Ilne to make the choice and leave this earth... no I don't. Do I understand why we got so many confirmations on so many occassions that we had to pray and believe? no I don't. Do I understand why God allowed our family to go through this heartache, even though I know that I know that He loves us more than we could ever imagine?... no I don't. Is it easy for me to say that healing can also mean in this life hereafter.... no, it still feels like a cop-out.

Do I understand why some people get healed and others dont... No I do not have answers for that. Is it going to be easy to walk this road and learn to trust what I hear God saying... no it is still a long road ahead.

So what do I know?

• I know that Ilne was never alone, through all of it Jesus was there right beside her


• I know that we're in Christ and He is in us, so that our pain and our anguish He felt and carried, and paid for on the cross long before these days


• I know that we will be reunited with her one day in heaven, because this life is just a sandgrain compared to the rest of eternity


• I know that one morning I will get up and although there will always be a gap in my life, I will smell the flowers and see the colours in the sunrise again - not because I've forgotten her, but because she would want me to live life to the full


• I know that through all of this, God brought us closer as a family and as a family in Christ. We were never alone, His life-giving Spirit carried us where we couldn't walk and will continue doing so on the hard days


• I know that God is faithful and that God is God, sovereign and holy!

Someone asked me during the time if there was any good news? I could not help but answer "The good news is that Jesus is alive and therefor, no matter what happens, we can live and never die!!"

I definitely do not claim to have the answers and I definitely do not claim to have overcome it all. But I know that God's grace is infinite and even there where there are no answers... there still is God.

A celebration of our angel's life - we will see you in Heaven!

Exactly a month after Ilne's accident, we had a memorial celebration of her life and a time to say we say goodbye but for a short while, we will see you again. Although some days are harder than others, we have a hope in Christ, that she is alive and only waiting for us on the other side of the finish line.

There were toadstools and balloons in pink and purple and flowers with butterflies and strings of beads. A powerpoint celebrating her life and a choir dance, which proclaimed, "God is light, there is NO darkness in Him!". And amongs our tears of missing her and not understanding, God reassured us that "He is faithful!" And that He loved us more than we could ever know.

We know that it was just a glimpse of the celebration in heaven. I've asked Jesus to make sure that she has sweet tea, and ice-cream and loud music and that someone will do different hairstyles everyday! I know He has heard my prayer. And as we walked out and have to go on with life, we know that our lives have been touched by an angel, whose race has been run. At some point in time it felt like satan had won, but God reminded me that Ilne had won, she had achieved the ultimate prize, eternal life after finishing her race.

The question remains: What will happen with you when you get to the end of your race? Will you have found Jesus and know that He is the one that saves... He stands at the door and knocks, eternity is a reality. What is your answer?

Thank God, she lives in Eternity with her beloved Jesus!

To all our brothers and sisters in Christ. Our little Ilne decided that it was time to go to her beloved Jesus on Monday afternoon 16h30. Praise Him, she's alive in paradise. We have peace that she has gone to be dancing in front of her BIG BIG God and we will see her in Eternity. We will miss her terribly, but we thank God for having had the blessing of knowing her and witnessing how much she loved and served our Lord, even at the age of 6.

Even in the past 3 weeks, her life was a witness to many, in our country and around the world in at least 12 countries and many lives changed through the testimony of a little girl consecrated to God. We do not have all the answers and we will miss forever, but look forward to meeting her one day in heaven. Ilne's message to everyone staying behind would be: "Live life to the full and know God intimately". Take heed to that message.

Please join us in thanking God for His eternal love, for lending us this angel for 6 years and for giving us a hope that we will one day see her again. Ilne, we love you FOREVER!

We also pray God's blessings upon you for standing strongly with us in faith and your prayers. Your support has been amazing.

God bless you.

Never alone...

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of passage? His dad takes him into the forest..blindfolded...and leaves him....alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night...and not take off the blindfold until the ray of sun shines through it. He is all by himself. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night..he is a MAN.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience. Each lad must come into his own manhood.The boy is terrified...he can hear all kinds of noise...Beasts are all around him. Maybe even some human would hurt him. The wind blows the grass and earth... And it shakes his stump. But he sits stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could be a man.

Finally, after a horrific night..the sun appears and he removes his blindfold. It is then that he sees his father..sitting on the stump next to him...at watch...he has been there the entire night.We are never alone. Even when we do not know it, our Father is protecting us...He is sitting on the stump beside us. All we have to do is reach out to Him.-- Author Unknown

"The Joy of the Lord is my Strength"Nehemiah 8:10