we all have cancer...

i saw a show tonight, by http://www.13thfloor.net/ ... it was amazing. it was called "wigs" and was about a cancer patient, but also about everyone around her. outwardly she had cancer, but inwardly all the others carried an illness inside of them. somehow it seems that we all carry some cancer inside of ourselves. that hurt, that secret, that disappointment or lack of that we do not disclose even to our closest friends and sometimes do not even admit to ourselves, even when we lie in our beds at night in the dark. those things that we hope that even God has forgotten about.

they started a site called "We all have cancer.Net" and real people with real hurts send in postcards from the show, admitting to themselves and everyone and no-one that they carry a cancer inside. it reminded me of the hurts and the secrets that i still carry inside of me... we all do.

in the show the one guy says "the cancer doesn't care, it has no grace", it doesn't choose because you are young or old or beautiful or not. and although some carry the external signs of physical cancer, the cancer within is the more deadlier. and some people if they do not deal with it, gets eaten up from the inside out, and dies, way before their earthly body gives up.

The only healer for this cancer is, Jehovah Rapha, Jesus. He has the grace and the love to cure the cancer, not matter how big it has become in your life. he came to set the captives free, to heal the sick.... one just needs to look at God's people in His Word, the murderer (Moses), the adulterer (David), the zealot (Paul), the back-stabber (Peter) to see that His grace is enough and that He can turn our cancer-filled lives into beautiful life stories . he can cure the cancer, if you let Him. what cancer are you still carrying around with you?

for small mercies...

today i will be thankful for small mercies. in a week where my heart was shattered in a million little pieces, i was held by the Almighty God. Held by a Father that protects us, and never lets us go...

and although this weekend feels like an eternity, i will be thankful for small mercies. for a brother that SMS me to see that i'm ok, i am eternally thankful. for a niece that is lying sleeping on my couch to keep me company, i thank God.

for a roof over my head in this intense storm, water pouring as if it is emptying heaven. for a gift to be able to write and put down my thoughts and emotions.

for a rugby team, that played like they should :) (yeah, i know it's a bit shallow). for the opportunity to enjoy the moment. for friends who truly care for me, and check up on me when i become too quiet. for a new little baby Nate added to our cellgroup at church and his parents that are keeping their eyes on God, even though they don't know the detail fo God's plans for this special child.

for the ability to exercise at the gym - albeit under great protest. for a cupboard overflowing with clothes, a fridge full of food, electricity and water and music equipment and everything else we take so easily for granted.

for the love i have known in my life, for the grace that has been more than enough. for a family which i could not have chosen better myself. for a mom and a dad that is still in love and speaks of the way a marriage should be.

for new opportunities in work. for having loved and lost. yes even for that i am thankful.

and when i look at all these things, i know that my gratitude is not for small mercies, but immense vast showers of blessings. God has said my grace is enough for you and i know, that is true. how is it then, that sometimes we get caught up in what we don't have, instead of what we do have.... today i will overflow with gratitude.

hope

it's been a while since i've blogged here... having lost a bit of the passion and wondering whether it even makes a difference in anyone's life. and this morning, on my facebook, i get a note from someone who found comfort in what i wrote. and i realised, that if this makes even a difference in just one person's life, it is a mustard seed that's been planted. even if that person is me...

so i've decided to start writing again.

and i thought i'd speak about hope. i think for so many of us, we've been beaten up so much by life, hectic schedules, harsh words spoken in a time-starved moment, unappreciative colleagues excluding us from the inner circle, people who discourage us and make us feel small. and disappointment, disappointment that when i thought i really tried to believe as hard as i could, i still did not get what i hoped for.

and that's when i realised that somewhere deep deep down, my heart had closed up to hope. if you've been beaten down one too many times, and if you have lived through a lot of heartache and if you've heard one too many sermons on "if you live a life pleasing of God, it will all be blessed", you'll find that you've stopped hoping. you're still believing God, that He is good and righteous and fair and amazing, but somewhere deep in the recesses of your heart, you've stopped believing that He is hope and that He is all these things for you. You've given up on dreams and hoping things will get better. You've given up on knowing that life also gets its ups.

and the other night during worship, that is what i experienced. as i said there before my heavenly Father, it was as if something broke open in my heart, like an infection that had been closed up for too long. and i realised that i had given up hope that God had good plans for me. on a head level i still believed it, but without realising it, my heart had died and with it, hope.

and that is when i had a revelation, when 1 Corinthians 13 speaks about the three things that need to remain: love, faith and hope, i've always understood the importance of love and faith, but didn't think that hope was quite as important. i knew that i had to guard my heart as "it is the wellspring of all life", but didn't realise that i had to guard my heart to remain hopeful. and in that moment, i knew that hope is the lifeblood of going on, standing firm, taking on God-sized assignments, loving God. without hope we will just get stuck in living day to day.

what is it that you hope for today, or used to hope for? The Faithful One says "I will never leave you nor forsake you" and "I have plans for you to prosper you". Perhaps today is the day that you need to open your heart again to hope. Because we can hope in him who is the only one we could really hope in. Lord won't you renew our hope.

memories that bring healing...

it's been exactly 365 days since Ilne's memorial service. somehow it feels like a lifetime and somehow it feels like it was only yesterday.

a lifetime of change has happened since then and yet it seems like nothing has changed. the pain seems as intense as ever. looking at pictures of our angel in hospital, always chokes me up in excruciating pain. her dad and mom and grandmothers and grandfathers and brothers are each walking their own paths of woundedness and healing. not a day goes past that her brother doesn't mention the loss in his short life of four years. not a day goes past where one of us do not look at a pink dress, or a picture of a ballerina or the seven year old in the church pew in front of you, when you do not think of how much she would have liked it or what she would have looked like by now.

but amonst all of this, God is still present. for the small mercies of a church lifegroup that understands when i have to talk about her and the time we spent in bloemfontein again, to a friend that phones from england, just because she remembers with me, to a prayer that speaks healing and rest into our lives. from the dreary rain that fell a year after her leaving for heaven, a sunny day would just not have been ok, to the elders from CRC still walking with my family for coffee and support.

God hears prayers - still, even though we don't always see it, or even though we don't always think the answer is what we wanted or expected.

it stays sure... constant... loving. and although there is still no sense to be made out of the hurt, we know God is with us in all this.

He did say that He will never leave us nor forsake us... and He has been true to His word.

on a journey...

it's been a while since i've blogged... it's been a hard journey to be on... somehow sometimes it seems that being a Christian makes life harder... but i also know that without God in my life, I wouldn't know how to live.

Right now, God is teaching me about resting in Him. now if you're even a little bit like me, patience is definitely not your strong point. patience has NEVER been my strong point. sorting things out, making sure everything and everyone's ok, now you've got me there... but this waiting... upon His Will, His decisions, His guidance... although i know very well that if i do not wait, i will muck it up... i'm just not that good with.

so there are times that i sit at God's feet and literally say, "Lord, i'm hopeless at this, i've tried and failed over and over again, teach me... teach me how to wait upon you." and then some days i see a glimpse of that... sometimes i can even almost get through a whole few hours, before my head starts to do me in again. sometimes... i see a glimpse of what God has in store for me, if i can just wait.

and other times, i just do not seem to be able to do what i want. how i relate to paul saying the good that he wants to do, he can't and the bad that he doesn't want to do, he does... maybe that's why it is in the Bible, because even Paul, who wrote so much of the Bible, battled with doing what he wanted to to please God.

so for now, i'll go forward in my journey.... Abraham was very old before God called him.... so maybe there is still some hope for you and me... now if only i could know where to... see there i go again... Lord teach me to wait PATIENTLY at Your feet, because i know that your timing is perfect.

it would have been her birthday celebration...

on Friday, 29 June 2007, our Ilne would have been seven. seven short years that we had been lent a little angel to receive a touch from heaven.

her birth was announced by her proud father, saying that she wanted to share in her mom's birthday cake. her mom was also born on that day.

it was harder than i thougth it would be. it reminded me of the all the birthdays to come, that we wouldn't have with her. and knew that as my other brother had rightly said, it will never really get that much better.

in the same week, a little girl, mikayla was found murdered in the back yard of her neighbour, in Swellendam. she was also only six years old. and somehow, something inside said enough.

i can not bring ilne back and by God's grace? it was freak accident that took her away, but in this society, this so-called new democracy, we've seen too many of our children murdered, raped, abused.

it is time to start fighting this evil with our voices, to pray to the living God of our nation to stop the hurt. too often we speak death, about the crime in our land, the drugs, the abuse, instead of praying for life. if you are reading this, i'm asking you to make a stand. a prayer stand, because that's the only thing that will change this land. God.

and we need to stand in the gap and pray for the miracle of change, in the hearts and minds of all of us in this land.

may you join me in this...

despite...

perhaps we will never know the meaning of life... never understand all the lessons we're supposed to learn, do all the growing God would love us to do. perhaps we will struggle more than have fun, be filled more with remorse and sadness, than with joy and pleasure. perhaps this will just be for a while.

but despite of all this, i will rejoice in the Lord. and as Habakuk says, even though there is no fruit on the land, even though things do not work out the way we thought it would, even though we hurt those we love more than we ever thought possible, or get hurt by those who love us... despite the fact that sometimes God feels far (although He promises to never leave or us nor forsake us, and i know His word is true). despite anything that this world has thrown at me, or wants to do in future... despite all of this, the struggles, the tears, the pain, the "not knowing if i'll make it to tomorrow"...

despite this, i will rejoice in the Lord. because He says I will turn your mourning into dancing, your tears into laughter. and i'll believe Him, because He is my God. may you know His constant presence close to you, even when you feel that you are in the dark. Remember God is light and He will lead you, also through this..