denial - what about me...

sadness... there's a great sadness that lies in my heart, when i realise that i've still not learnt much about servanthood, denying my own self, taking up my cross, being Jesus to my neighbour.... and the person that takes advantage of me and my client who knows everything and treats me like i'm only a dumb female and the supplier that treats me with disdain.

and here i stand and i just know that a glimpse of Jesus in me was very dim this week.

The Spirit convicts me in my heart that I've gone backwards again... instead of being able to stand outside of myself remembering that "I don't always have to proof myself right, but I always have to be fair". I feel devastated that so easily that which I've conquered through the Spirit, that fruit that God eventually got me to grow, has been devastated by the very important "Me".

I look at someone else who seems to know it all and speaks his mind about it and, yes, although I know there is a spiritual battle and we clash because of differing value systems, I know that I know, my Father doesn't say that I've gotta serve those who I love or that respect me or that treat me well. And I wonder whether I often also come across like this man standing in front of me. Jesus tells me to love the Samaritan, in my case the person that I severely dislike at the moment... to help him, to pay the price for him.

God, and I know I have fought the battle and won once, but this week, this day, I lose it over and over again... and if I was the only Bible that people read today, they would have had very little soul food to take with them.

my heart pains with sorrow. and i know, it's back to the drawing board, back to putting my selfish ego on the altar of love. i know God is a God of second chances and third ones and fourth ones etc. etc. it's by grace that i am saved from myself again. tomorrow, Holy Spirit, with your help, i'll keep my eyes upon you. deliver me from evil....

Does God celebrate Easter?

Easter... I've wondered how God celebrates Easter every year... when we start packing our bags, often not making a plan to fit in the most important event in our Christian faith, and we buy the hot-cross buns and the easter eggs and the drinks... and we prepare to rest and forget to pack the Bible...

Or we spend the Thursday night in solitude, contemplating the last hours of Christ, which we saw so vividly depicted in "The Passion of Christ" and we cry as we think about what Jesus went through. And on Sunday morning we smile, and praise God that satan has been defeated and has no hold over our lives anymore...

And then I wonder, what is God thinking...

I'm sure there is a moment of sadness, when Father and Son reflects on that moment where Jesus called out "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?". That moment when the perfect trinity unity was broken. And that is what hell is - a place where God is not.

I'm sure there is a moment where God the Father, holds His Son's hand when He remembers the shame and ridicule and pain inflicted by those He created to be His children. I'm sure sometimes They remember the taunts and the spitting and the desertion by those He thought loved him. They can still hear the voice of Peter, which too often sounds like mine, denying that he ever knew that man, that Jesus. I think God even sees my hand, and yours, so often driving those nails into the hands and feet of our Jesus.

I think maybe for a moment, God reflects on Mary and the women crying at the cross. My tears flow into theirs. Maybe Jesus remembers the pain and scandal, He never wanted his mother to go through. Maybe He reflects on asking his disciple to take care of His mom, His brethren, His flock. His voice resounds even into this time. I'm sure there is a moment when He sadly remembers the weakness, the fear, the man with the silver in his hand. I wonder what we sometimes would ask in return for His head?

But then, I know God remembers that His Son's sacrifice, brought us home. I'm sure they smile at the thought of having us reconciled with God. I know that Jesus thinks that even if the nails were not there to keep Him nailed to the cross, His love would have kept Him there. And I know for sure, that even if it was just you or me, that had to be bought by His blood, He would have done it anyway. I believe that although somewhere the memory of descending to hell and the forces of darkness chastisising Him for every sin and iniquity of all of mankind, remains in His mind, His love covers it, wipes it out. And that if He had to choose, to buy back those that the Father has given Him, He would go to hell and back again, and again. I see a great celebration in heaven. A celebration of the life, death and resurrection of Christ, a celebration of God's triumph over Satan, a celebration every time when someone finally gets it - that Jesus died and rose from the dead, so that we can LIVE!

I wonder about The Father and The Son and the Spirit and what they are thinking when they see our feeble efforts to try and understand exactly what really happened then. The magnitude of the perfect Son of Man, but also the Son of God, on the cross, for the sins of the world, at the hands of satan and his followers. The moment of truth, of God dying to save us from our sin. The moment of triumph, when God overcomes the canyon of sin, death and destruction and buys us back with His Son's blood. My mind can barely comprehend the basics of such a great love.

But I know that God hears our heart's cry, the Father/Son/Spirit hear our simple prayers of gratitude, God sees our hands reach out to touch His heart and He knows, even in our humanity, that we love Him. That's all He ever wanted.

You are free!

God's grace is free! On this amazing day, the day where we celebrate our Lord and Saviour and Lover and Friend, Jesus, rising from the dead, overcoming the last vestage of evil in our lives, overpowering the powers of darkness, breaking the power of satan in our lives forever, the message is clear. You are free!

Not just free from the penalty of death and eternal condemnation, not just free to come into the presence of God (what amazing grace), but free also from all the guilt of not being good enough, not praying hard enough, not being spiritual enough.

Yes God comes to where you are! Jesus look for Peter while he is fishing, Jesus appears to Mary while she is mourning, Jesus calls to Thomas while he is doubting.

Someone said to me today: "It's not about how good or bad you are, it's about God being good!". As we sometimes strive (or not), to be better, deeper, stronger, more in control, less doubting, holier, cleaner, superior? God says: "Enough. In Jesus you are enough."

And in a society where we have to earn everything, prove our self-worth, pretend we're someone we're not, God says: "I see you, washed clean through the blood of my beloved Son. The price He paid has set you free!"

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die." —John 11:25-26

God bless you on this day, the most important celebration in our Christian lives! May Easter remind you of His great love. And His words: "It is done!"

God is good, all the time...

Gratitude... that's the word I want to live by today (the picture is the crystal that forms when you speak the word love and gratitude into water, for more on that click here). woke up this morning and just realised that God is a very very good God! i looked at the sunshine morning, the beautiful mountains, lying in my very comfortable bed, getting up to have the breakfast that's always there.... and realised, we are so quick to complain, so fast to look at all the tough stuff in our lives, and not quick enough to recognise the amazing blessings we have.

If you are lucky enough to have an education, be thankful, because 70% of the world's population does not. If you are blessed enough to be fed, go on your knees and thank God, because 50% of the world's population will go hungry today. If you are reading this on your own PC, say thanks, because you are one of the lucky 1% in the world.... If you have shoes and clothes, a roof over your head and food on your table, you are richer than 75% of the earth's population.

If you can enter a church or place of worship without fearing for your life, you are more blessed than about 3 million other people. and if you survive this week, you are luckier than 1 million people who will not make it.

so my word for today is gratitude... gratitude, because God has blessed me with a family that loves me, with incredible friends that would go to the ends of the earth for me, with food and clothes and technology and books and beautiful things that I am surrounded with. And for one of the most beautiful places in the world that I can call home.

Jesus - the Prince of Change?

The only constant in life is change. It’s easy enough to say that that is just the way life goes, but when it touches your life intimately, the black on white statement is not that easy to swallow.

If I look at my own life, I sold everything I had a while back and became a glorified maid on a sail yacht. Everyone thought that I was being very brave, but I knew that God had led me to it, which would have left me with a “what if” for the rest of my life if I hadn't followed.

But things didnt quite work out the way I had planned it and instead of travelling for a year or two, I was back in the country within seven months. With no plans or understand of “what’s next”.

About two years ago, we had to watch how my sister’s husband lost his senior post at a large firm, and with that their stability. It was a long road to changing their thinking, and nights spent in tears and learning child-like trust, but they got through it growing much closer to God.

And now my sister’s daughter is faced with making a career choice and the difficulty of saying goodbye to friends that she’s spent her past 5 years with.... it is a moment of naked truth. There are decisions to be made, that will touch every part of her life. There is a young love that will ultimately suffer from whatever decision is made. And I watch how the weight of these decisions pressed down on her. It hurts, but is part of the reality of this world.

Fifty years ago life just seemed to revolve around constants. For most, children grew up in the same town, the same school and went to study at the same tertiary education facility. You got a good job and at the end of your loyal service, you got a golden watch. People entered marriage and in spite of everything, stayed together... Things weren’t necessarily easier, but from where we stand, it appears less complicated.

And then I wonder, where is God in the midst of all this change? Does He know how tired our spirits become, when our only fellow passengers are new things? Does He see when all we feel like doing is to close our bedroom doors behind us and just hide away from making any decisions in that world outside the door?

And then, without hesitation I think about Jesus. How difficult it should have been for him to literally pak His Spirit in a suitcase one day, leave His Father’s side, pass through the halls and set off on the road to earth. He knew that change was the only way. Instead of being seen as the Son of the Creator of All, He became the son of a carpenter. Instead of being worshipped by angels, He had to help carry the water and sand down the wood and listen the neighbourhood children making fun of his mother. Instead of being surrounded by the goodness and grace of God, He had to face the probing, judging looks of the leaders of the community at the tender age of twelve. How hard must these changes have been for Him.

He didnt have a house to go to, or a bedroom door to draw shut behind him. Entering into His Father’s presence had to happen somewhere on a mountain or on the sea, amidst the voices of the fishermen and the lost. Where He was surrounded by love in his Father’s house, the love was often drowned out by hatred, jealousy and those seeking their own agendas. In His Father’s home, He was the guest of honor, on this earth He was the Rejected one, the Loner.

And then I stop and realise: Jesus knows. He was here. He knows what it feels like not to know where your next meal is coming from, or where you will be sleeping. He knows what it feels like to greet your friends and not have any idea of when, if ever you’ll see them again. He knows what it feels like when you can barely breath and the world just closes in on you. He knows what it feels like that there are no escape from this darkness which seems to drive out all light. He knows, because He’s been there.

But even more so, He understands. And He wants to hold you tight, reassuring you of God’s love for you. Because He has experienced all of the above, we can also call Him the Prince of Change, although He is also the Constant One. In a way, He has experienced more change than we can ever comprehend. And therefor we can know, that no power or angels or things above heaven or below the earth or any change, no matter how radical or challenging, can separate us from the Love of God. The price He paid for us, was just too dear...

about broken dreams and broken hearts...

as i watch people around me go about their daily lives, i become aware that amongst the joy of a new baby or an election that's been won or a new boyfriend and a new house, some broken hearts on the mend, there are so many walking wounded.

there's a marriage that falls apart after 17 years of togetherness - she's 20 and she fulfills me(?), a friendship that breaks under all the daily pressures and different viewpoints, a friend who has to watch on as her x-husband marries (the woman he left her for and her children meeting the new family). there's a friend who looks so lost not even she is aware of it (and feels judged for it and keeps on running), there's someone who can not find a job and don't know where the next pay-check's going to come from, engulfed by the nagging manic-depression that has become part of her life.

and i recognise in all of them a tiredness, a loneliness, a search for a wholeness, a cry that at least someone would notice and say, "it's all gonna be alright". and as i recognise it, i so often also recognise a piece of me.

and i wonder, where are you Jesus, the Healer, the Binder up of Wounds... do you see the broken dreams and broken hearts and hear the cry of those who have lost the way... do you recall, what it was like, when all deserted, you knew that all that was left to do was to die.

and as i see the brokenness around me, i wonder how much of it is our own doing, our own stubborness, selfishness, sinfullness.

but yet, inspite of it all, i pray. i pray for those who are lonely, those who are weary, those who just can not see the next day. i pray for compassion, for grace, for love that binds up all that is broken. i pray for cottonwool around their hearts and their broken lives. i pray for strength and for wisdom and for courage.

i try to keep on praying for them and know somehow, even when the words stop, You still hear the cries of my heart. i pray for them, for their dreams and hopes and aspirations. and when i pray for them, i also pray for me.

Perspectives...

i'm not sure how the rest of your year has been going, but for most of the people around me it's started with some really difficult times. my new-agey friend says it's the universe making space for different things... and i'm not quite sure how i feel about that...

but yet, i've had I must say I’ve been a bit rattled for the first part of this year. Some of my mates have really been going through some dreadful stuff. My one mate broke up with her boyfriend, then wrote of her car and today they found her cat dead in the park – car hit it. She is devastated, and although I know the boyfriend was a cheating psychopath, she is hurting badly. Then another mate of mine, ended up in intensive care with breathing problems a week after they broke into their house and stole his uninsured notebook and then another guy drove into his wife’s car. Another friend's uncle died very suddenly of a heartattack. And then my godchildren’s dad told his wife after being together for 17 years that he wants a divorce and he’s met a 20 year old….

My brother-in-law is really struggling with his leg, it’s very painful and he might have to have a knee replacement. And had another epileptic attack. My mates and loved ones lives seems to be falling apart around me and it feels like there’s so little I can do for them… (I suppose prayer is the most magnificent I can do for them, but sometimes it feels like it's not enough).

and i suppose that's where i've learnt to look at life and the relativity of it all. one friend might be devastated about yet another valentine on her own, but i dont think it totally relates to someone's husband leaving her after 17 years of being together. not to negate any pain anyone is feeling, because i believe that we often forget that that is still the pain that people feels around us. and also not to compare what it feels like, because you can't really get into someone else's shoes, can you...

God gave us each a perspective, but sometimes it is good to sort of just look outside yourself. just when i get desperate about my finances / relationships or lack thereof / past hurts, i realise that there are others that need me more than i need myself. that's why God says "do not be concerned about anything"... He's already got that in hand. if we however, get too caught up with ourselves, we cant / dont care enough about those around us.

... but this is not an accusation or a call for hail mary's. it's all about balance. sometimes consolidation is needed, but sometimes a little bit of constraint about self-pity is called for. He FEELS for us. He CARES for us... but He needs our hands and feet and especially prayers, to touch those of the hurting and the sick and the lonely.

If we do not heed this call, who will???