I am thankful...

as I look back at what could arguably be the hardest year I've ever had and times where I felt totally alone, I am thankful.


I am thankful for opportunities to do something that has never been done before even though  it nearly killed me.  I am thankful for miracles big and small that I've witnessed and experienced.  I am thankful that God decided when I was done.


I am thankful for times when I had no where to turn but God.  I am thankful for times that even when it didn't feel that God was present in my life, yet He still was there.


I am thankful to have learnt in a year that I could surrender to "whatever Lord".  That "whatever" is a place of true surrender and true freedom. That I had learnt about moments where I am thankful that even though it seemed as if God was not providing what I needed, He did.  That even in those times when there was not food for petrol, or debit orders bounced for the first time in 15 years, God knew what I needed - and that the world would not come to an end and that humbling myself in explaining my circumstances to someone would not kill me.


I am grateful for friends and family that held up my hands, kept me in their prayers, comforted my tears, walked beside me when words failed and shared in my moments of joy and elation.


I am thankful for 2010 - the good and the bad, the easy and the tough, the moments of elation and moments of devastation.  I am thankful for that which is past, and thankful that the future is also in His hands.


I want to live a life of gratitude, because I have so much not having deserved any of it.  I want to thank the God of enough.  It has been a good good year.

there is more!

so i've found there is more than this, more than just what the eye sees.  


to you with the big car, the massive house, the designer family, there is so much more.  to you the power hungry, that destroys everything that was before, just because it wasn't your idea.... there is more.


to you who manipulate those human beings that you're suppose to nurture and twist the truth, and maneuver everything to suit your goals, your wants, your needs... i'm telling you there is more.


to you whose heart has been broken, who's living in pain and daily agony, who's feeling isolated and can not think about the next 24 hours... there is more.


to you who is worried about the next bit of money, to pay the rent, pay with your soul, have something new that will bring you joy... there is more.


to the lost, the lonely, those who pretend they're ok, but they're not. it is ok, there is more.


there is a God who wants to bestow on you - love, joy, peace, hope, faith... in case you say "i'm too weary", "love is not enough", "no-one really cares", "my money will buy me happiness", "i'm too intelligent to believe", trust me and let me tell you there is more.


there is a life that is free, filled with love and unspeakable peace, that goes beyond understanding.  there is fullness beyond what you have ever experienced in your life.  there is abundance of relevation, excitement, contentment and those things that you have searched your whole life for.  trust me, i've been there.  all you have to do is ask.


and He WILL answer.

How will they know Me?

a journey that I am undertaking right now is the journey of faith - to believe that which we can not see but is certain of, to being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (NIV).

The Amplified Bible says in Hebrews 1:1 "NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things we hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality (faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses)"

so here's the thing.... we can easily have faith when everything works according to (my) plan... that which i've prayed for, asked for, is comfortable in, expecting.

however, when that faith is called to go beyond the "what" - the job/ relationship/ financial stability/ peace and comfort to the "who", that is when true faith is displayed.

I've come to realise that God is much more interested in my character than my comfort. God is much more interested in my growth than an easy life. God loves me much more than letting me live a life of mediocrity. And if I can't follow God through that which is not easy, comfortable, gladdening, instilling hope, then what do I believe?

If people can not see how God leads me through the hurt, the desperation, the loss, the hatred, how will they ever know His love?

God is not interested in me being a woman obsessed about her own glory, but He is looking for someone obsessed with the glory of God. If others do not see the Christ in me, how will they ever know Him. My life, walking with God through the good and the bad, the easy and the tough times, the reality of a life on this earth, might be the only Bible/ Word of God that they will ever read.

How will they know Him, through me?

the moment of truth

have you ever worked on something so hard that you thought you would break? have you ever been passionate about something that it almost consumed your life? have you been part of making a difference?

then you would understand where i'm standing. all of the above has been part of my life, and for one reason or the other it is now a time to say goodbye. it's almost as if the life blood is cut off from your head and you can barely breath. it's as if you want to shout out, can't you see what this is doing to me, but then you don't. is as if you want to hide away somewhere where no-one can ever find you again.

but you know that this is the time to say goodbye. however uncomfortable it's been, the unknown is so much more uncomfortable. however, lonely you got, you do not know if it will be better.

but it's then that you have to believe that God always leaves a window open when the door behind you shuts. it's then that you have to believe God when He says He'll never leave you nor forsake you. it's then that you know that where nothing is left, there is your God. It's then that you know, the future will take care of itself, because God has already prepared it for you.

open your heart, wipe your tears, breath easily, accept His Peace. it's all going to be alright....

I love you Lord.

here i am again...

wonder how many times you have felt like i do... here i am again. where i am down to nothing but God. dunno where my income is going to be coming from, dont know what my next job will be (i call it my assignments ;) ). dunno when or where or how or what? all i have is "I am Jehovah Jireh" your Provider.

now look I have enough proof that God is very faithful, He has saved me so often financially and otherwise, that I know that I should not be concerned. but herein lies the challenge: will we trust in our own abilities, or our work, or the money in our bank, or our investments or our God? God says that the birds of the field does not sow or reap, but He provides for them - He also says how much more would He not provide that which we need?

look, i do feel that you have to be very sure that you are walking in God's will, committed to Him and really seeking His voice. (like they say on TV, do not try this at home ;) ). God says that work is important. but sometimes, He calls us away from our comfy situation at work, the repetitive guaranteed cheque at the end of the month, the "stability" of a salaried job or own business - to step out where we only get one step at a time - in fact where we have to step out of the boat, onto the water, without any hesitation. Peter only knew that he could walk on water, when he walked....

i read today in the psalms "God tests the righteous, but hates the wicked"... one would have thought that the opposite of hate would be love... but it is not what this verse in the psalm says... and yet, does it? the speaker that I was listening to was saying that God tests the righteous to see if we're ready for the next place that He has prepared us for, and that means that it is only because He loves us that He does that... quite honest the testing part is sometimes really hard - suppose it wouldnt be a test otherwise... and when you are trusting in God, most probably He will come through for you only once you have no other options - on number 99.99 - because then we can truly see His sovereignity, His love, His active interaction in our lives. Only then can we truly see what He has asked us to believe first.

I know that I know that God is my Jehova Jireh, my Provider. It might get a bit more uncomfortable, before it gets easier, but God knows. And He promises to never leave nor forsake us and provide in our every need. He knows our needs better than we do.

Praise the Lord.

... and then they disappoint and hurt you....

I often wonder how He did it? Jesus? Here He was, the Creator of the World, the Light, the Truth and the Way, being treated as if He was scum, as if He was a nobody, despised, hurt, cruelly rejected.

Tonight I am disappointed, in humankind, in the way they treat each other. How money truly changes people's natures, how people who barely know you, can wait for your downfall, discuss your assumed failures and revel in the notion of you not making it. How people that do know you digs in the dagger one more time.

How, even when you've proven them wrong, still can barely admit to your face that they maybe they were wrong and perhaps, God forbid, apologise.

I wonder how Jesus did it? He who could in an instant strike them down, curse them, obliterate them, He didnt. He just turned the other cheek.... because that is what love does. That is what love's supposed to do. That is how love is.

tonight, I pray, I wait for love.

where are you...

sometimes in those moments, before sleep sets in, or on those sunday evenings, wistful song lines run across those planes of places you have never been... your heart knows it's not yet home... your thoughts are numb in awareness of something, missing, wondering, what this is all about? when will we know? how would we know? is it real? what could it be?

and for that split second, there's a moment of hope... a moment of clarity, but before you can touch it, hang onto it... it's gone. and you're left with nothing... not even a faint memory....