for who I am or what I can do for you...

having grown up as a Christian and knowing the blessing of God's favour, I think we can so easily confuse things.

God has been speaking to me about whether I love Him for who He is, or for what He can do for me.

I suppose it follows on from our family's current struggle with faith as we stand in the aftermath of so much faith and so many promises and then having to say goodbye to our beloved little Ilne. life will never be the same again, after the month of February 2007. there is a whole in our hearts that sometimes are just unbearable to carry and then sometimes, like this morning, i could honestly give myself over to worship, even though i still do not understand and most probably never will. for that instance, i can go beyond my heart that hurts and just joyfully enter into His glorious presence.

but God says.... you, you have known my love for all time, you who have experienced my grace and blessing for the 1000 generation, because of your forefathers honoring me, you who have grown up in a privileged home, never having excess, but having more opportunities than 90% of the earth's population, why do you love Me?

is it so that you will be protected from evil, is it so that I will bless you? do you serve me, because that's what all the generations before you has done? and are you loving me, for what I can do for you?

so quick am i to say, no Lord, i love you for who you are. but then when i get angry about what has happened this year and last and the one before, where it feels like my prayers did not get answered, where it feels like satan is driving a wedge into the sanctuary of having a family that is saved... there i have to stand still and evaluate. Do I know God for who He is, do i really know Him as person, who wants to have a relationship with me? Do i really seek Him for Him? or do i seek Him for me, for what i can get out of it....

if someone was engaging with me, just because they could get something out of the deal, i'd be pretty devastated. if someone told me they loved me and stopped loving me when they don't get their way, i'd say it is pretty cheap love. if someone only spent time with me, expecting to be rewarded, i'd be quite hurt. i could imagine ever becoming vengeful and distant if that was why someone loved me.

and therefor i do thank God that He is God and not me. He is faithful, forgiving, kind, gracious. He is God, who, even in the times, and sometimes that feels like more often than not, even in those times, where i serve Him for what i can get out of it, and He must feel like i treat Him like a push-button God, even then... He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.

and i fall on my knees, and say, Lord, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, help me... teach me, who You are. Help me to Love You for Who You are. Because You are Who You are.