for who I am or what I can do for you...

having grown up as a Christian and knowing the blessing of God's favour, I think we can so easily confuse things.

God has been speaking to me about whether I love Him for who He is, or for what He can do for me.

I suppose it follows on from our family's current struggle with faith as we stand in the aftermath of so much faith and so many promises and then having to say goodbye to our beloved little Ilne. life will never be the same again, after the month of February 2007. there is a whole in our hearts that sometimes are just unbearable to carry and then sometimes, like this morning, i could honestly give myself over to worship, even though i still do not understand and most probably never will. for that instance, i can go beyond my heart that hurts and just joyfully enter into His glorious presence.

but God says.... you, you have known my love for all time, you who have experienced my grace and blessing for the 1000 generation, because of your forefathers honoring me, you who have grown up in a privileged home, never having excess, but having more opportunities than 90% of the earth's population, why do you love Me?

is it so that you will be protected from evil, is it so that I will bless you? do you serve me, because that's what all the generations before you has done? and are you loving me, for what I can do for you?

so quick am i to say, no Lord, i love you for who you are. but then when i get angry about what has happened this year and last and the one before, where it feels like my prayers did not get answered, where it feels like satan is driving a wedge into the sanctuary of having a family that is saved... there i have to stand still and evaluate. Do I know God for who He is, do i really know Him as person, who wants to have a relationship with me? Do i really seek Him for Him? or do i seek Him for me, for what i can get out of it....

if someone was engaging with me, just because they could get something out of the deal, i'd be pretty devastated. if someone told me they loved me and stopped loving me when they don't get their way, i'd say it is pretty cheap love. if someone only spent time with me, expecting to be rewarded, i'd be quite hurt. i could imagine ever becoming vengeful and distant if that was why someone loved me.

and therefor i do thank God that He is God and not me. He is faithful, forgiving, kind, gracious. He is God, who, even in the times, and sometimes that feels like more often than not, even in those times, where i serve Him for what i can get out of it, and He must feel like i treat Him like a push-button God, even then... He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.

and i fall on my knees, and say, Lord, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, help me... teach me, who You are. Help me to Love You for Who You are. Because You are Who You are.

because of who He is

ever go through days where things just seem sort of out of whack... ? the times when you have the head knowledge of being a Kingdom child, but the heart seems to somehow have been left behind.

sometimes if you're lucky, it might just last for a day... sometimes it lasts for a little bit or a lot longer. you might have heard people speak about a desert experience. and as much as you would like to live as an example to the world, things seems just do not seem to quite gel.

i think that's when our spirits are crying out to slow down, spend some time at the feet of Jesus, hang onto that what you have learnt. repeat God's promises, delve into the Word, soak up the presence of the Holy Spirit, our Helper.

do this to obtain peace of mind, not because of how we feel, but because of who God is. He says that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He says that He will provide our every need. He says that He is Jehova Jireh, our Provider. He says that He is our Father. He says that He is our Redeemer. He says He is our Saviour.

When i think i am not strong enough, He says I am.

When i feel that i'm not going to survive this, He says I am.

When i struggle and feel like i've lost the way, He says I am.

When i feel that there's no joy left, He says I am.

When i feel that i can not figure life out, He says I am.

When i think there's no way, He says I am.

so luckily, today is not depending upon what i feel or think. it is dependent on who He is. Let's hang onto that... that He is the Great I am... but most of all, that He loves us more than we can ever imagine!