sadness... there's a great sadness that lies in my heart, when i realise that i've still not learnt much about servanthood, denying my own self, taking up my cross, being Jesus to my neighbour.... and the person that takes advantage of me and my client who knows everything and treats me like i'm only a dumb female and the supplier that treats me with disdain.
and here i stand and i just know that a glimpse of Jesus in me was very dim this week.
The Spirit convicts me in my heart that I've gone backwards again... instead of being able to stand outside of myself remembering that "I don't always have to proof myself right, but I always have to be fair". I feel devastated that so easily that which I've conquered through the Spirit, that fruit that God eventually got me to grow, has been devastated by the very important "Me".
I look at someone else who seems to know it all and speaks his mind about it and, yes, although I know there is a spiritual battle and we clash because of differing value systems, I know that I know, my Father doesn't say that I've gotta serve those who I love or that respect me or that treat me well. And I wonder whether I often also come across like this man standing in front of me. Jesus tells me to love the Samaritan, in my case the person that I severely dislike at the moment... to help him, to pay the price for him.
God, and I know I have fought the battle and won once, but this week, this day, I lose it over and over again... and if I was the only Bible that people read today, they would have had very little soul food to take with them.
my heart pains with sorrow. and i know, it's back to the drawing board, back to putting my selfish ego on the altar of love. i know God is a God of second chances and third ones and fourth ones etc. etc. it's by grace that i am saved from myself again. tomorrow, Holy Spirit, with your help, i'll keep my eyes upon you. deliver me from evil....
