Under the mustard seed tree...

Love song

2012-01-22T23:25:00.000+02:00

Into me You see

You see me
You
see
me

Into me You be
You be
You be with me, in me

With me then you walk
Yes You walk and talk
with me
yes me

Into me You see
and when You see me
You love
me
yes, all of me

Hope

2012-01-17T00:09:00.001+02:00

hope is a rainbow

on a grey afternoon

forgotten promises

like a fragrance discovered

reminiscent of

faith

that once

was

let us not wait in vain

let us not hope

until all is shrivelled

and forgotten

Wonderwerk

2012-01-17T00:04:00.003+02:00

en God gryp in
soos vantevore
Hy maak die pad deur die see
die water vloei uit die rots
die donkie praat
die engele sing
ons God gryp in
in pyn en seer en opgee
en weer gaan le
in eensaamheid
en in koud
Hy staan daar en roep

Al wat Hy wil he
is dat ons Hom net sal soek

Grieving

2012-01-16T23:59:00.001+02:00

in that moment then when he was gone

my heart broke for your brokenness

and your "have to go on"

and i stretched out my hand

to wipe your face dry

to hold you so tight

until the why's had quieten down

and there you'll remain in cotton wool grace

and mercy and kindness

until you see again God's face

insanity

2011-10-07T15:21:00.000+02:00

dream catcher dreamcatcher
catch me my dreams
before they disappear
in cynical silences
in backstabbing concrete walls
in delirious hatred
in the madness of our time

weave in me
conceive in me
a consciousness of limitless skies
a freedom that won’t let me
lie down, die down
without showing
God is ALIVE

Blue

2011-10-07T15:18:00.000+02:00

i got not mail,

no mail i've got
so i'm singing the blues
i'm happy, so NOT

my mailbox is empty
my day is too
cos i got no mail
no mail from you

golgotha

2011-10-07T15:02:00.000+02:00

so when all was said and done then

on that day emptier than any other

Your broken body hung there

Your bloody sacrifice seeping intothe ground

in the shadow of that dreadful day

the Father’s heart had turned away

You had bourn all our sin and shame

the world had changed, never everbe the same

when all the jeers and insults withvenom had been screamed

and spit and blood had mingled

just the crown of thorns remained

i could recognise myself there

staring at a man

i could even hear my voice there

laughing at the pain

so when all was said and done then

or that was what I thought

the cost of that great sacrifice

a sinner/ rapist/ murderer/ thief/gossip/ slanderer

yes, my salvation bought

when all that i had ever done andyet

would do in years to come

was there on that cross of love

the world became strangely dim

and then it was just

and

Him

When you're going through hell....

2011-09-22T00:13:00.000+02:00

We've all heard the saying that if you are going through hell, keep on walking. It just suddenly struck me tonight, that that was what God expected from the Israelites. When He was leading them through the desert. And there was a message in that for me.

Going through a specifically trying time in my life this year, it suddenly dawned on me: Keep on walking. (And this does not refer to the TV ad :) )

I can sit and have a small pity party for myself - I might even have a reason to do so (until I compare myself to others who have so much less). I can grieve for what I do not have (and grieve I possibly sometimes will). But when all of that is done, I need to know that I can't just sit and wait for better days. Or until something changes.

God wants me to get up, and get going. There might be days where I will just walk, not really talking to anyone, maybe not even to God. Days where I might not even look up, as the journey is incredibly hard. Days where I will be thankful for refreshment of God's touch, and friends' and family's love. There will be water out of a rock, some oases in the midst of that long outstretched space of nothingness (and everything).

God promises not to forsake me. He promises to show me the way. He promises that He won't relent until He has my all. But for now, I'll just keep on walking in the notion that I am not alone.

God bless you today.

Peace

2011-05-03T16:25:00.000+02:00

Our world is in turmoil. A country reeling from the aftermath of earthquakes and tsunamis, the world watching with baited breath as the Middle East and North Africa explodes again and people get killed as if is just another violent movie on TV, the murder of a terrorist (yes, I chose those words carefully), a world economy that is fragile.... everything that can be shaken is being shaken. We celebrate the death of an evil man, call another's dead children "collateral damage". We live in a world that has become desensitized to human beings' dying.

People hold peace talks, search for inner peace and decide what actions will bring about peace. Doctors write scripts so that people can just be more at peace, talk show hosts interview hosts of gurus who will tell you how to find it.

But that's just it. Peace is not something you can negotiate for (you might find some compromises, but is there peace in people's hearts?). Peace is not something you can learn. Peace is not something you can buy and peace is not attainable by filling the vacuum inside with wealth, power, crassness or any other promise that the world media would make us. True peace is not something you can just achieve because you will it to be.

Attaining peace is hard, but yet so simple. Jesus said: My peace I give you, a peace that goes beyond any understanding. The angels announces His birth with a message of peace to all the earth.

And that's where things seems to get really strange. From the outside looking in, people sometimes might look at you, thinking that you have lost the plot or do not understand the questions of life. And if you look at your circumstances, youshould be panicking or berating others or at least complain bitterly about life being unfair. But peace seems to cover over all of those emotions. So much so that you might even question your own sanity.

It gives you the wisdom to know whatever you are going through shall also pass.... It gives you faith to believe in that which you can not see. It teaches you that everyone in this world get their moments of jubilant joy and their moments of terrible grief. Peace teaches you that no matter what, God will be their with you. It teaches you that life takes strange paths, but that even if on a physical level there seems to be no open door, in the spiritual, God has not forgotten. Peace, almost like cotton wool or the womb of a mother, wraps around you and cushions you against life's bumps and major disasters.

Peace helps you when you need to learn about faith and truth and patience. It takes you through the situation where you are down to nothing... but God.
Peace helps you to go on, even where there seems no way that you can. Peace shows you that it's not about striving but about resting. Peace teaches you to turn, to Him, the Prince of Peace.

May you experience the true peace that comes with knowing Him. It is easy, not hard.

(If you'd like to know more, leave a comment on my blog. God bless you.)

Maria

2011-04-23T11:21:00.000+02:00

my kind, my Kind
wat het dan gebeur
die spykers, die bloed
ek dog Pilatus is goed
die skare word maller
en ek... word net banger
hoe staan jy onskuldig
gelsaan vir die gepeupel
my kind, my Kind
ek sien nog die ster
die herders en engele
die manne van ver
waar is jou vader dan
en ons Vader ook

dis skielik koud
en ek word oud
as ek hoor hoe jy afdaal
na die hel
ook my Hel

Goeie Vrydag

2011-04-23T11:16:00.000+02:00

hoe kyk ons dan verdwaas

na die Redder van volke

Hy sou so alles

kom verander en regeer

hoe donker hier om ons

hoe koud in die dag

hoe min hul genade
hoe magtig God's krag?
hoe klein ons geloof dan
hoe blind dan ons oë
dat ons nie kan glo
of kan sien op die dag
Hy's dood! Hy's dood....
hoe duister die nag
hier op goeie Vrydag

back to basics....

2011-04-18T15:42:00.000+02:00

We've all experienced it. That moment of divine revelation, when things just fall into place and start making sense. Or that moment when you are reminded of an old truth, that rings new again and gets a different dimension.

Last night we listened to an old Catholic priest reminding us of who we are. He said that in this world, people describe themselves in terms of what they DO.... The question "who are you?" is answered with "I am a businessman", "I'm an athlete" as if the doing is more important than the being.

Another way the question is answered is terms of what you or others say about you. It is positive in the world's eyes, measured in money, big titles, the shrewd businessman, or if you do not have those handles, you are the loser, or the "flaky" one or the hanger on.

And then of course the answer gets answered in terms of what you have: the man that owns the mansion on the hill, the woman with the sleek cabriolet, the old man that lives in a delapitated shack.

So who are you? If you strip yourself from your work title, your daily objectives, your bank balance, your media persona. Who are you, there where it is just you, and no-one else.

The priest reminded us that we are "sons and daughters of the one most High", that our identity is in Christ. He reminds us that each of us is that unique human being, with the eye prints, foot prints, voice prints and DNA, that He has created. That there is no-one that can fill that place and space that He has created us for. The scriptures speaks about us being God's poema, His poetry, the ones He has plans for.

And here where I am, stripped of all but God and people that love me, I have to ask again: Who am I? Why am I here? And I have to hang onto God's promise that we are His children, bought at a very expensive price - the blood of the Son of the living God.

And if in times, nothing seems to make sense, we need to turn back to the basics. God's love, our significance in His eyes, the freedom that He has made us for, the resurrection power of the Holy Spirit, the Spirit in us. Basics. Being present here in this moment, and leaving the rest to God's will, His works.

An old Celtic Blessing

2011-04-08T18:36:00.000+02:00

This year has been tough, and my words few. But i got reminded of this beautiful blessing tonight and wanted to share it.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

I am thankful...

2010-11-28T23:44:00.000+02:00

as I look back at what could arguably be the hardest year I've ever had and times where I felt totally alone, I am thankful.

I am thankful for opportunities to do something that has never been done before even though it nearly killed me. I am thankful for miracles big and small that I've witnessed and experienced. I am thankful that God decided when I was done.

I am thankful for times when I had no where to turn but God. I am thankful for times that even when it didn't feel that God was present in my life, yet He still was there.

I am thankful to have learnt in a year that I could surrender to "whatever Lord". That "whatever" is a place of true surrender and true freedom. That I had learnt about moments where I am thankful that even though it seemed as if God was not providing what I needed, He did. That even in those times when there was not food for petrol, or debit orders bounced for the first time in 15 years, God knew what I needed - and that the world would not come to an end and that humbling myself in explaining my circumstances to someone would not kill me.

I am grateful for friends and family that held up my hands, kept me in their prayers, comforted my tears, walked beside me when words failed and shared in my moments of joy and elation.

I am thankful for 2010 - the good and the bad, the easy and the tough, the moments of elation and moments of devastation. I am thankful for that which is past, and thankful that the future is also in His hands.

I want to live a life of gratitude, because I have so much not having deserved any of it. I want to thank the God of enough. It has been a good good year.

there is more!

2010-11-26T23:14:00.000+02:00

so i've found there is more than this, more than just what the eye sees.

to you with the big car, the massive house, the designer family, there is so much more. to you the power hungry, that destroys everything that was before, just because it wasn't your idea.... there is more.

to you who manipulate those human beings that you're suppose to nurture and twist the truth, and maneuver everything to suit your goals, your wants, your needs... i'm telling you there is more.

to you whose heart has been broken, who's living in pain and daily agony, who's feeling isolated and can not think about the next 24 hours... there is more.

to you who is worried about the next bit of money, to pay the rent, pay with your soul, have something new that will bring you joy... there is more.

to the lost, the lonely, those who pretend they're ok, but they're not. it is ok, there is more.

there is a God who wants to bestow on you - love, joy, peace, hope, faith... in case you say "i'm too weary", "love is not enough", "no-one really cares", "my money will buy me happiness", "i'm too intelligent to believe", trust me and let me tell you there is more.

there is a life that is free, filled with love and unspeakable peace, that goes beyond understanding. there is fullness beyond what you have ever experienced in your life. there is abundance of relevation, excitement, contentment and those things that you have searched your whole life for. trust me, i've been there. all you have to do is ask.

and He WILL answer.

How will they know Me?

2010-10-10T17:33:00.000+02:00

a journey that I am undertaking right now is the journey of faith - to believe that which we can not see but is certain of, to being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (NIV).

The Amplified Bible says in Hebrews 1:1 "NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things we hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality (faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses)"

so here's the thing.... we can easily have faith when everything works according to (my) plan... that which i've prayed for, asked for, is comfortable in, expecting.

however, when that faith is called to go beyond the "what" - the job/ relationship/ financial stability/ peace and comfort to the "who", that is when true faith is displayed.

I've come to realise that God is much more interested in my character than my comfort. God is much more interested in my growth than an easy life. God loves me much more than letting me live a life of mediocrity. And if I can't follow God through that which is not easy, comfortable, gladdening, instilling hope, then what do I believe?

If people can not see how God leads me through the hurt, the desperation, the loss, the hatred, how will they ever know His love?

God is not interested in me being a woman obsessed about her own glory, but He is looking for someone obsessed with the glory of God. If others do not see the Christ in me, how will they ever know Him. My life, walking with God through the good and the bad, the easy and the tough times, the reality of a life on this earth, might be the only Bible/ Word of God that they will ever read.

How will they know Him, through me?

the moment of truth

2010-08-03T00:34:00.000+02:00

have you ever worked on something so hard that you thought you would break? have you ever been passionate about something that it almost consumed your life? have you been part of making a difference?

then you would understand where i'm standing. all of the above has been part of my life, and for one reason or the other it is now a time to say goodbye. it's almost as if the life blood is cut off from your head and you can barely breath. it's as if you want to shout out, can't you see what this is doing to me, but then you don't. is as if you want to hide away somewhere where no-one can ever find you again.

but you know that this is the time to say goodbye. however uncomfortable it's been, the unknown is so much more uncomfortable. however, lonely you got, you do not know if it will be better.

but it's then that you have to believe that God always leaves a window open when the door behind you shuts. it's then that you have to believe God when He says He'll never leave you nor forsake you. it's then that you know that where nothing is left, there is your God. It's then that you know, the future will take care of itself, because God has already prepared it for you.

open your heart, wipe your tears, breath easily, accept His Peace. it's all going to be alright....

I love you Lord.

here i am again...

2010-07-30T00:20:00.000+02:00

wonder how many times you have felt like i do... here i am again. where i am down to nothing but God. dunno where my income is going to be coming from, dont know what my next job will be (i call it my assignments ;) ). dunno when or where or how or what? all i have is "I am Jehovah Jireh" your Provider.

now look I have enough proof that God is very faithful, He has saved me so often financially and otherwise, that I know that I should not be concerned. but herein lies the challenge: will we trust in our own abilities, or our work, or the money in our bank, or our investments or our God? God says that the birds of the field does not sow or reap, but He provides for them - He also says how much more would He not provide that which we need?

look, i do feel that you have to be very sure that you are walking in God's will, committed to Him and really seeking His voice. (like they say on TV, do not try this at home ;) ). God says that work is important. but sometimes, He calls us away from our comfy situation at work, the repetitive guaranteed cheque at the end of the month, the "stability" of a salaried job or own business - to step out where we only get one step at a time - in fact where we have to step out of the boat, onto the water, without any hesitation. Peter only knew that he could walk on water, when he walked....

i read today in the psalms "God tests the righteous, but hates the wicked"... one would have thought that the opposite of hate would be love... but it is not what this verse in the psalm says... and yet, does it? the speaker that I was listening to was saying that God tests the righteous to see if we're ready for the next place that He has prepared us for, and that means that it is only because He loves us that He does that... quite honest the testing part is sometimes really hard - suppose it wouldnt be a test otherwise... and when you are trusting in God, most probably He will come through for you only once you have no other options - on number 99.99 - because then we can truly see His sovereignity, His love, His active interaction in our lives. Only then can we truly see what He has asked us to believe first.

I know that I know that God is my Jehova Jireh, my Provider. It might get a bit more uncomfortable, before it gets easier, but God knows. And He promises to never leave nor forsake us and provide in our every need. He knows our needs better than we do.

Praise the Lord.

... and then they disappoint and hurt you....

2010-07-05T22:11:00.000+02:00

I often wonder how He did it? Jesus? Here He was, the Creator of the World, the Light, the Truth and the Way, being treated as if He was scum, as if He was a nobody, despised, hurt, cruelly rejected.

Tonight I am disappointed, in humankind, in the way they treat each other. How money truly changes people's natures, how people who barely know you, can wait for your downfall, discuss your assumed failures and revel in the notion of you not making it. How people that do know you digs in the dagger one more time.

How, even when you've proven them wrong, still can barely admit to your face that they maybe they were wrong and perhaps, God forbid, apologise.

I wonder how Jesus did it? He who could in an instant strike them down, curse them, obliterate them, He didnt. He just turned the other cheek.... because that is what love does. That is what love's supposed to do. That is how love is.

tonight, I pray, I wait for love.

where are you...

2010-04-18T22:44:00.000+02:00

sometimes in those moments, before sleep sets in, or on those sunday evenings, wistful song lines run across those planes of places you have never been... your heart knows it's not yet home... your thoughts are numb in awareness of something, missing, wondering, what this is all about? when will we know? how would we know? is it real? what could it be?

and for that split second, there's a moment of hope... a moment of clarity, but before you can touch it, hang onto it... it's gone. and you're left with nothing... not even a faint memory....

Grace & Love

2009-11-10T08:59:00.000+02:00

It is something too powerful for anyone to grasp, something too simplistic to cling to, something too profound to intellectually explain.

Go figure how the Creator of the Universe could love a world that hates Him, despises Him, intellectualises His non-existence, bastardises Him, ridicules Him. Explain how this Creator could call Himself our Father. Try and figure out how this Almighty, All powerful, All-knowing could love us that much that He sends His only Son, the one He has been with before the start of time, the One He is one with, the One that is pleasing to His Father and does His Father's will, that One, the love of His life, to die for His enemies.

He deserts His Beloved and let Him pay a price for the sins of the murderers, the rapists, the child molesters, the gossipers, the jealous, the greedy, the sexually immoral, for you.... for me. He does this while we, you and I still hated Him. He leaves Him at the mercy of Satan, death the price for our sins. He lets Him become human, with all the tears and fears and weaknesses and rejection. And all of it through grace. Finding salvation in spite of who we are and what we have done.

You want to tell me, God isn't love?

God loves us, God loves us, God loves YOU! A love so huge with grace attached, it is incomprehensible...

on earth as it is in heaven...

2009-10-04T22:24:00.000+02:00

Jesus said we would do even greater things than He had done as He was going to the Father. and if you're anything like me, that freaks you out, not just a little bit.

and in the face of a prevailing illness, or seemingly unanswered prayers, or a delayed miracle, i sometimes feel like there must be more, more that i could do, a way of having more powerful prayers, bigger faith, more obedience. how can we do bigger things if we can not even manage the daily bread stuff Lord?

so I sit here before you Lord. and i need You! we need You! it is supposed to be child-like faith, it is supposed to as easy and ask and receive. it's supposed to be so evident, so prevailing... but it does not feel like it is.

some people say that as the price for healing, restoration, forgiveness and freedom has already been paid - and it was paid at an incredibly awful price - Jesus, the Man of Love, the Man of Grace but Sorrow died a painful death on a cross and died an even more painful death in Spirit as He descended to the pit of Hell, raptured from the Love of God His Father and His Spirit.... that all of that is there for us to just take hold of it.... and a lot of them have seen amazing acts of God, here on earth. I know my God, our God, is a God of miracles, He was, is and remains forever the same. I know that God loves us with an all-consuming passionate love that we can not even begin to understand.

but sometimes the healing, restoration, miracle does not come as we asked for or expected... and that brings confusion, and hurt and despondency. but I still believe it is there...

and therefor, now, is the time that I come to seek You, for who You are, for your nature of kindness and love and extravagant generosity, and wisdom and goodness Lord. because I know that Your word says You will let everything work to the good of those who love you.... now is the time that i ask Lord, reveal Yourself, let us know ou better and teach us Lord, Your truth, Your hope, Your will for our lives....

Because sometimes i do not seem to understand that "good" Lord and sometimes, it sure does not feel as if everything is working out for the good, but i know and believe that You stay true Your promises. i suppose that is what faith does and require...

And ultimately, i know that one day we will all see, that You are our Deliverer, our Salvation, our Father, our Comforter, our Healer, our Provider... Lord You are. even though we might not get it.... yet.

this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you....

2009-08-16T20:35:00.000+02:00

dear simon, i heard the news today that you had left this earth to be with your beloved Father and Jesus. it was unexpected, you were only in your early 30's. you weren't supposed to die.

you came and prayed for me when i was very sick, and the last memory i have of you is stretching out your hand and claiming healing for me. God heard you... as you heard Him and I was healed. you made a crown for me, out of lego, and told me i was a princess in the Kingdom, you put jewels in myhand, to remind me of God's love. it will always be a precious memory.

I spoke to you about a week later. you sounded really ill, but i had no idea. I prayed for you, i truly did. but the next time your father phoned to say that you have fallen ill and was in hospital with double pneumonia. i remember thinking Lord it must be very hard for Simon to be ill, as he believed that your Kingdom had come.

but i think then Jesus gave you the option to go home. and you did. you didnt leave because you weren't loved here. you didn't stay with Him because you didn't love the people that cared for you. but you stayed, because you loved the Lord more. so now you are in heaven.... what to say to your parents, i do not know. a child is never supposed to die before a parent. the scars that they will carry, i understand.

but i know, i truly know that you are in 7th "Heaven". i bet the house that was built through your faith, is beautiful. as beautiful as you were, even though the world mostly did not understand you. i can hear you laugh in the presence of our God.

R.I.P. and know that we will see you one day again. when the Kingdom has fully come. God bless you, and keep your family, through this time. we will miss you.

The Invitation - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

2009-05-13T22:33:00.000+02:00

Today I heard that my neighbour had been shot, one bullet in his head in a heated moment. He lived a charmed life and often I wondered about the people that visited him, so did the rest of the people in our little complex..... but he was nice to me. Even though I sometimes shouted like the bitch troll from hell, when his friends rang my bell once again 3h00 in the morning, he treated me with respect and dignity.

He was nice to me, and kind, and helpful. He fixed my garage when it was broken and welded the gate, so that we would be safe. Even though he was apparently well known in the realm of gangsters and the flats, in my world he was a dad to a step-son who had lost his mother, and the hero dad to a four year old whose world revolved around her daddy. He had three other children, well-mannered, beautiful, precious. He was soft-spoken though I could see that he had a temper. He kept to himself, and kept the door closed not to disturb anyone with his friends' late night visits or their smoking or his son's loud youthful bounty of life.

But today, I heard that someone just shot him. One bullet, one moment of rage and his life was ended. I was angry and outraged and felt ill.

And I suddenly was soooo sad. I couldnt understand it, I had known him for 3 years, but yet never really did. But that which I had known about him, I knew that he loved his children, he cared for his partner and he wished that all the strife that happened in his life, he could rather abandon and get away from it. He even left some of his businesses just to get away from that which haunted him, must have been for his whole life. He was my age, we would have been born in the same year.

And I wondered where he would have been if he had had a different life.

Tonight I mourn for the Jerome Cloete I never knew.... and especially for the one that I got to know so fleetingly.

Tonight I wonder what chance he ever had? When he moved in here, 3.5 years ago, wanting a better life for his boy, wanting a life away from his other life, whether he did it to choose a different life?

Some would say that he most probably died the way that he lived, but I knew that there was a different side to him. A man that could be concerned about how to raise a son without a mother, a man that would help me pick up the things that were too heavy, a man whose friends who would wait for me to walk out the gate. A man loved and adored by his mates.

I spoke to one of his friends today. He was so sad, that he could barely look me in the eyes.

Tonight I mourn for a wasted life. It is the biggest waste of all....

The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache forand if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a foolfor love

for your dreamfor the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closedfrom fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with painmine or your own

without moving to hide itor fade it

or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy

mine or your ownif you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be carefulto be realistic

to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayaland not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not prettyevery day.

And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest meto know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get upafter the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you knowor how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will standin the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you

from the insidewhen all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep

in the empty moments.

God bless you.

tears....

2009-04-21T15:28:00.002+02:00

i want to cry... for the twelve people that died in a sudden fire at a factory, for their families that will know that from now on their place will be empty, for their children that will be seeking for their lap to fall asleep upon and find that it will never be there

i want to cry... for good men and women who do good in this world, and are so often mistreated, not reckoned, abandoned, judged, misled, lied to....

i want to cry... for a nation that has been through so much and yet still has so much that lies ahead, that has seen and believed miracles to only see it destroyed by greed and mistrust and egos and more greed

i want to cry... for the earth that is struggling to breath, to comprehend how those that was supposed to be keepers can so easily turn their backs on what will be happening a decade from now or a year or a month

but mostly i want to cry... as yet, Your Kingdom has not come, Your will is mostly not done... i want to cry and mostly sometimes i just want to die... what a disappointment we've become....

when everything fades away....

2009-03-09T22:04:00.007+02:00

there are days when everything just seems to fade away... those days when things get too overwhelming, too noisy, too busy, too crazy, too crowded, too stressful...

and it feels you would just like to run... run and never stop.

and yes, it feels like you are totally on your own... nothing matters to anyone else but you... nobody cares, except you... no-one knows, except you, nobody sees, or hears, or feels or reacts. just you.

and then, in that moment of clarity, as you sit and watch the sun go down over the water, in the sound of the waves upon the rocks... then you know, you are not alone. you are not ever alone.

it's then when our Father wants to quiet our minds, His Spirit wants to comfort our souls, our Saviour wants to remind us why He hang himself on a cross.

it seems so simple, so almost too easy, too small. but it is then that the eternal truth rings true: "this shall also pass".... and when it does our God will still be there... to give us a life of fullness, richness and rest.

what we have to do, is lay it ALL... and i mean ALL in His Hands. so that we can breath, and hear and do....

The Rain is coming!

2008-11-05T22:15:00.004+02:00

something is happening in our nation, around the world... and I feel God saying... look out... for the rain is coming! sometimes I feel like we've become like Elijah... waiting upon God to send the rain. That rain that the whole land, all its people, the whole earth is thirsting for.... Waiting for revival, for the refreshing of His Spirit.

Elijah kept on sending his servant to see if there was a cloud in the sky. Patiently he had to wait.... for God's appointed time. He could have given up... not a cloud in the sky.... who would have thought it could rain. But he knew Him who had made the promise. And he knew Him that is faithful, forever faithful.

And the rain came, after many many years of drought. God heard the cry of His people.

So about a month ago I saw a vision in which a big rain cloud comes and washes the earth... with new life sprouting forth from the earth... it was so beautiful and so fresh. Before the rain there was so much expectation, and after the rain there was so much rejoicing.... And God reminded me again about it this morning.

So I asked God what does it mean? And His precious Spirit replied: "Prepare for the rain..., make sure you have enough seed to sow (delve into my Word). Then sow generously! And then watch my miracle of New Life come forth. Then tend the new sprouts with a gentle hand, guide them where necessary and remove the weeds where need be." It reminded me of a gardener lovingly looking after the plants and especially the new growth in his garden... "Tend the new life," God said, it reminded me of shepherding the flock.

So I'm asking His Spirit to prepare me, to not miss the moment, to not be ill-prepared.

Isaiah 55: 10 - 11

"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

God says "It's going to rain" and I want to be ready.... will YOU be?

Psalm 68: 7 - 9

When you went out before your people, O God, when you marched through the wasteland, the earth shook, the heavens poured down rain, before God, the One of Sinai, before God, the God of Israel. You gave abundant showers, O God; you refreshed your weary inheritance."

We praise you oh Lord!

A Christian's answer to the changes in government in South Africa.... God is God

2008-09-30T12:10:00.007+02:00

God's Word is very clear, it's not politicians, powerbases, even registered voters that determine the outcome of rulers' powerbases. If you read Daniel, you can clearly see God's hand in what was happening.

Therefor as Christians, let us not be dismayed, anxious, concerned, full of wrath and hatred about what is happening in our South African context. Let us trust God to be God. Some notes follow about what the Bible says about God, appointing and steering rulers and the call that we need to humble ourselves and pray for our leaders. And that we will get the leaders we deserve!

GOD’S APPOINTED TIME

Habakkuk 2:2-4 (New International Version)
The LORD's Answer
2 Then the LORD replied: "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. 3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.

1 Corinthians 4:5 (New International Version)
5Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

Acts 4: 23 – 31 (NIV)
The Believers' Prayer
23On their release, Peter and John went back to their own people and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said to them. 24When they heard this, they raised their voices together in prayer to God. "Sovereign Lord," they said, "you made the heaven and the earth and the sea, and everything in them. 25You spoke by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of your servant, our father David:

" 'Why do the nations rage and the peoples plot in vain? 26The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the Lord and against his Anointed One. 27Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed. 28They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen. 29Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. 30Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus."

31After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly.

Acts 4:24 - 28 (Amplified Bible)
24And when they heard it, lifted their voices together with one united mind to God and said, O Sovereign Lord, You are He Who made the heaven and the earth and the sea and everything that is in them 25Who by the mouth of our forefather David, Your servant and child, said through the Holy Spirit, Why did the heathen (Gentiles) become wanton and insolent and rage, and the people imagine and study and plan vain (fruitless) things [that will not succeed]?
26The kings of the earth took their stand in array [for attack] and the rulers were assembled and combined together against the Lord and against His Anointed (Christ, the Messiah).
27For in this city there actually met and plotted together against Your holy Child and Servant Jesus, Whom You consecrated by anointing, both Herod and Pontius Pilate with the Gentiles and peoples of Israel, 28To carry out all that Your hand and Your will and purpose had predestined (predetermined) should occur.

GOD AND RULERS' HEARTS

Deuteronomy 2:30But Sihon king of Heshbon refused to let us pass through. For the LORD your God had made his spirit stubborn and his heart obstinate in order to give him into your hands, as he has now done.

Exodus 14:8The LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, so that he pursued the Israelites, who were marching out boldly.

Ezra 1:1[ Cyrus Helps the Exiles to Return ] In the first year of Cyrus king of Persia, in order to fulfill the word of the LORD spoken by Jeremiah, the LORD moved the heart of Cyrus king of Persia to make a proclamation throughout his realm and to put it in writing:

Proverbs 21:1The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases.

Daniel 11:27The two kings, with their hearts bent on evil, will sit at the same table and lie to each other, but to no avail, because an end will still come at the appointed time.

HUMBLE YOURSELF AND PRAY

2 Chronicles 7:14 (New International Version)
14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land

2 Chronicles 7:14 (Amplified Bible)
14If My people, who are called by My name, shall humble themselves, pray, seek, crave, and require of necessity My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14 (The Message)
If I ever shut off the supply of rain from the skies or order the locusts to eat the crops or send a plague on my people, and my people, my God-defined people, respond by humbling themselves, praying, seeking my presence, and turning their backs on their wicked lives, I'll be there ready for you: I'll listen from heaven, forgive their sins, and restore their land to health. From now on I'm alert day and night to the prayers offered at this place. Believe me, I've chosen and sanctified this Temple that you have built: My Name is stamped on it forever; my eyes are on it and my heart in it always. As for you, if you live in my presence as your father David lived, pure in heart and action, living the life I've set out for you, attentively obedient to my guidance and judgments, then I'll back your kingly rule over Israel—make it a sure thing on a sure foundation.

PRAYER FOR THOSE IN AUTHORITY

Timothy 2 (NIV)
Instructions on Worship
1I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone— 2for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. 3This is good, and pleases God our Savior, 4who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. 5For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, 6who gave himself as a ransom for all men—the testimony given in its proper time. 7And for this purpose I was appointed a herald and an apostle—I am telling the truth, I am not lying—and a teacher of the true faith to the Gentiles. 8I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing.

1 Timothy 2 (Amplified Bible)
1FIRST OF all, then, I admonish and urge that petitions, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be offered on behalf of all men, 2For kings and all who are in positions of authority or high responsibility, that [outwardly] we may pass a quiet and undisturbed life [and inwardly] a peaceable one in all godliness and reverence and seriousness in every way. 3For such [praying] is good and right, and [it is] pleasing and acceptable to God our Savior, 4Who wishes all men to be saved and [increasingly] to perceive and recognize and discern and know precisely and correctly the [divine] Truth.
5For there [is only] one God, and [only] one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, 6Who gave Himself as a ransom for all [people, a fact that was] attested to at the right and proper time. 7And of this matter I was appointed a preacher and an apostle (special messenger)--I am speaking the truth in Christ, I do not falsify [when I say this]--a teacher of the Gentiles in [the realm of] faith and truth. 8I desire therefore that in every place men should pray, without anger or quarreling or resentment or doubt [in their minds], lifting up holy hands.

1 Timothy 2 (The Message)
Simple Faith and Plain Truth
1-3The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. Pray especially for rulers and their governments to rule well so we can be quietly about our business of living simply, in humble contemplation. This is the way our Savior God wants us to live.
4-7He wants not only us but everyone saved, you know, everyone to get to know the truth we've learned: that there's one God and only one, and one Priest-Mediator between God and us—Jesus, who offered himself in exchange for everyone held captive by sin, to set them all free. Eventually the news is going to get out. This and this only has been my appointed work: getting this news to those who have never heard of God, and explaining how it works by simple faith and plain truth.
8-10Since prayer is at the bottom of all this, what I want mostly is for men to pray—not shaking angry fists at enemies but raising holy hands to God. And I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God, not primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions but doing something beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it.

PRAYER FOR SOUTH AFRICA

'Heavenly Father, thank you that we can take comfort in the fact that you are in control of every situation.
We pray for godly, honest leaders for our country, South Africa
God YOU make the impossible, possible. We pray for leaders who will bring peace and reconciliation to our land.
We pray that YOUR people in South Africa will keep their eyes on YOU and that you will bless them.
Please protect all innocent South Africans from the violence in our country.
We pray this in the precious name of JESUS.' amen

JESUS THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA

Revelation 1: 4 – 8 (NIV)
Grace and peace to you from him who is, and who was, and who is to come, and from the seven spirits[a] before his throne, 5and from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth.
To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, 6and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen. 7Look, he is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see him, even those who pierced him; and all the peoples of the earth will mourn because of him. So shall it be! Amen.
8"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty."

AMEN

God is sovereign - He does not get intimidated by politicans..

2008-09-21T17:41:00.004+02:00

as South Africa watch the politicians play their power games and wonder what the future holds, i would like to implore you to know the God that holds the future.

it's not by accident that Pontius Pilate was the ruler in the time of Jesus, not by chance that at that point in time the whole "known" world was united with one language and a very developed road system.

if one reads Daniel, you can see God appoint and dethrone leaders. throughout the history of the Bible, it speaks about God appointing leaders and therefor also urges us to submit to their authority. The only time that Daniel for instance did not submit, was when they asked him to bow down to another god.

But this is my call, that we will pray more fervently for this country and the appointment of a Godly leadership. That we will be more vigilant in praying and hoping and believing that God is in control, also of this. And that we will stand on His word, that He is able to do so much more than what we can imagine or think. Whether it is Jacob Zuma or Mbete or any other leader, that gets appointed, do we stand as unbelievers, thinking that the rule of our country is in the hands of the masses, or do we know that God answers prayers and we will get the leader we deserve, and it will depend on our prayers and God's grace.

May God bless South Africa! And may He call His children, every one of us, to prayer, real prayer that stays faithful and waits up on God!

we all have cancer...

2008-09-09T21:44:00.003+02:00

i saw a show tonight, by http://www.13thfloor.net/ ... it was amazing. it was called "wigs" and was about a cancer patient, but also about everyone around her. outwardly she had cancer, but inwardly all the others carried an illness inside of them. somehow it seems that we all carry some cancer inside of ourselves. that hurt, that secret, that disappointment or lack of that we do not disclose even to our closest friends and sometimes do not even admit to ourselves, even when we lie in our beds at night in the dark. those things that we hope that even God has forgotten about.

they started a site called "We all have cancer.Net" and real people with real hurts send in postcards from the show, admitting to themselves and everyone and no-one that they carry a cancer inside. it reminded me of the hurts and the secrets that i still carry inside of me... we all do.

in the show the one guy says "the cancer doesn't care, it has no grace", it doesn't choose because you are young or old or beautiful or not. and although some carry the external signs of physical cancer, the cancer within is the more deadlier. and some people if they do not deal with it, gets eaten up from the inside out, and dies, way before their earthly body gives up.

The only healer for this cancer is, Jehovah Rapha, Jesus. He has the grace and the love to cure the cancer, not matter how big it has become in your life. he came to set the captives free, to heal the sick.... one just needs to look at God's people in His Word, the murderer (Moses), the adulterer (David), the zealot (Paul), the back-stabber (Peter) to see that His grace is enough and that He can turn our cancer-filled lives into beautiful life stories . he can cure the cancer, if you let Him. what cancer are you still carrying around with you?

for small mercies...

2008-08-30T17:51:00.005+02:00

today i will be thankful for small mercies. in a week where my heart was shattered in a million little pieces, i was held by the Almighty God. Held by a Father that protects us, and never lets us go...

and although this weekend feels like an eternity, i will be thankful for small mercies. for a brother that SMS me to see that i'm ok, i am eternally thankful. for a niece that is lying sleeping on my couch to keep me company, i thank God.

for a roof over my head in this intense storm, water pouring as if it is emptying heaven. for a gift to be able to write and put down my thoughts and emotions.

for a rugby team, that played like they should :) (yeah, i know it's a bit shallow). for the opportunity to enjoy the moment. for friends who truly care for me, and check up on me when i become too quiet. for a new little baby Nate added to our cellgroup at church and his parents that are keeping their eyes on God, even though they don't know the detail fo God's plans for this special child.

for the ability to exercise at the gym - albeit under great protest. for a cupboard overflowing with clothes, a fridge full of food, electricity and water and music equipment and everything else we take so easily for granted.

for the love i have known in my life, for the grace that has been more than enough. for a family which i could not have chosen better myself. for a mom and a dad that is still in love and speaks of the way a marriage should be.

for new opportunities in work. for having loved and lost. yes even for that i am thankful.

and when i look at all these things, i know that my gratitude is not for small mercies, but immense vast showers of blessings. God has said my grace is enough for you and i know, that is true. how is it then, that sometimes we get caught up in what we don't have, instead of what we do have.... today i will overflow with gratitude.

hope

2008-08-22T09:02:00.003+02:00

it's been a while since i've blogged here... having lost a bit of the passion and wondering whether it even makes a difference in anyone's life. and this morning, on my facebook, i get a note from someone who found comfort in what i wrote. and i realised, that if this makes even a difference in just one person's life, it is a mustard seed that's been planted. even if that person is me...

so i've decided to start writing again.

and i thought i'd speak about hope. i think for so many of us, we've been beaten up so much by life, hectic schedules, harsh words spoken in a time-starved moment, unappreciative colleagues excluding us from the inner circle, people who discourage us and make us feel small. and disappointment, disappointment that when i thought i really tried to believe as hard as i could, i still did not get what i hoped for.

and that's when i realised that somewhere deep deep down, my heart had closed up to hope. if you've been beaten down one too many times, and if you have lived through a lot of heartache and if you've heard one too many sermons on "if you live a life pleasing of God, it will all be blessed", you'll find that you've stopped hoping. you're still believing God, that He is good and righteous and fair and amazing, but somewhere deep in the recesses of your heart, you've stopped believing that He is hope and that He is all these things for you. You've given up on dreams and hoping things will get better. You've given up on knowing that life also gets its ups.

and the other night during worship, that is what i experienced. as i said there before my heavenly Father, it was as if something broke open in my heart, like an infection that had been closed up for too long. and i realised that i had given up hope that God had good plans for me. on a head level i still believed it, but without realising it, my heart had died and with it, hope.

and that is when i had a revelation, when 1 Corinthians 13 speaks about the three things that need to remain: love, faith and hope, i've always understood the importance of love and faith, but didn't think that hope was quite as important. i knew that i had to guard my heart as "it is the wellspring of all life", but didn't realise that i had to guard my heart to remain hopeful. and in that moment, i knew that hope is the lifeblood of going on, standing firm, taking on God-sized assignments, loving God. without hope we will just get stuck in living day to day.

what is it that you hope for today, or used to hope for? The Faithful One says "I will never leave you nor forsake you" and "I have plans for you to prosper you". Perhaps today is the day that you need to open your heart again to hope. Because we can hope in him who is the only one we could really hope in. Lord won't you renew our hope.

memories that bring healing...

2008-03-02T13:19:00.002+02:00

it's been exactly 365 days since Ilne's memorial service. somehow it feels like a lifetime and somehow it feels like it was only yesterday.

a lifetime of change has happened since then and yet it seems like nothing has changed. the pain seems as intense as ever. looking at pictures of our angel in hospital, always chokes me up in excruciating pain. her dad and mom and grandmothers and grandfathers and brothers are each walking their own paths of woundedness and healing. not a day goes past that her brother doesn't mention the loss in his short life of four years. not a day goes past where one of us do not look at a pink dress, or a picture of a ballerina or the seven year old in the church pew in front of you, when you do not think of how much she would have liked it or what she would have looked like by now.

but amonst all of this, God is still present. for the small mercies of a church lifegroup that understands when i have to talk about her and the time we spent in bloemfontein again, to a friend that phones from england, just because she remembers with me, to a prayer that speaks healing and rest into our lives. from the dreary rain that fell a year after her leaving for heaven, a sunny day would just not have been ok, to the elders from CRC still walking with my family for coffee and support.

God hears prayers - still, even though we don't always see it, or even though we don't always think the answer is what we wanted or expected.

it stays sure... constant... loving. and although there is still no sense to be made out of the hurt, we know God is with us in all this.

He did say that He will never leave us nor forsake us... and He has been true to His word.

on a journey...

2007-08-27T01:20:00.000+02:00

it's been a while since i've blogged... it's been a hard journey to be on... somehow sometimes it seems that being a Christian makes life harder... but i also know that without God in my life, I wouldn't know how to live.

Right now, God is teaching me about resting in Him. now if you're even a little bit like me, patience is definitely not your strong point. patience has NEVER been my strong point. sorting things out, making sure everything and everyone's ok, now you've got me there... but this waiting... upon His Will, His decisions, His guidance... although i know very well that if i do not wait, i will muck it up... i'm just not that good with.

so there are times that i sit at God's feet and literally say, "Lord, i'm hopeless at this, i've tried and failed over and over again, teach me... teach me how to wait upon you." and then some days i see a glimpse of that... sometimes i can even almost get through a whole few hours, before my head starts to do me in again. sometimes... i see a glimpse of what God has in store for me, if i can just wait.

and other times, i just do not seem to be able to do what i want. how i relate to paul saying the good that he wants to do, he can't and the bad that he doesn't want to do, he does... maybe that's why it is in the Bible, because even Paul, who wrote so much of the Bible, battled with doing what he wanted to to please God.

so for now, i'll go forward in my journey.... Abraham was very old before God called him.... so maybe there is still some hope for you and me... now if only i could know where to... see there i go again... Lord teach me to wait PATIENTLY at Your feet, because i know that your timing is perfect.

it would have been her birthday celebration...

2007-07-01T00:34:00.000+02:00

on Friday, 29 June 2007, our Ilne would have been seven. seven short years that we had been lent a little angel to receive a touch from heaven.

her birth was announced by her proud father, saying that she wanted to share in her mom's birthday cake. her mom was also born on that day.

it was harder than i thougth it would be. it reminded me of the all the birthdays to come, that we wouldn't have with her. and knew that as my other brother had rightly said, it will never really get that much better.

in the same week, a little girl, mikayla was found murdered in the back yard of her neighbour, in Swellendam. she was also only six years old. and somehow, something inside said enough.

i can not bring ilne back and by God's grace? it was freak accident that took her away, but in this society, this so-called new democracy, we've seen too many of our children murdered, raped, abused.

it is time to start fighting this evil with our voices, to pray to the living God of our nation to stop the hurt. too often we speak death, about the crime in our land, the drugs, the abuse, instead of praying for life. if you are reading this, i'm asking you to make a stand. a prayer stand, because that's the only thing that will change this land. God.

and we need to stand in the gap and pray for the miracle of change, in the hearts and minds of all of us in this land.

may you join me in this...

despite...

2007-06-17T10:12:00.000+02:00

perhaps we will never know the meaning of life... never understand all the lessons we're supposed to learn, do all the growing God would love us to do. perhaps we will struggle more than have fun, be filled more with remorse and sadness, than with joy and pleasure. perhaps this will just be for a while.

but despite of all this, i will rejoice in the Lord. and as Habakuk says, even though there is no fruit on the land, even though things do not work out the way we thought it would, even though we hurt those we love more than we ever thought possible, or get hurt by those who love us... despite the fact that sometimes God feels far (although He promises to never leave or us nor forsake us, and i know His word is true). despite anything that this world has thrown at me, or wants to do in future... despite all of this, the struggles, the tears, the pain, the "not knowing if i'll make it to tomorrow"...

despite this, i will rejoice in the Lord. because He says I will turn your mourning into dancing, your tears into laughter. and i'll believe Him, because He is my God. may you know His constant presence close to you, even when you feel that you are in the dark. Remember God is light and He will lead you, also through this..

one day at a time...

2007-05-18T03:35:00.000+02:00

today is a hard day. having received so many blessings on a spiritual, emotional and financial level i do not want to sound like i am not being thankful, for an amazing God that provides and cares and never abandons us.

but today is hard.

having woken up with a sms to carry my brother in prayer (the one that lost his darling little girl) and just feeling the great pain inside again for my little niece that was supposed to turn 7 in little less than a month and a half, today i've found hard. i've battled to concentrate, i've battled to go on with a "normal" life. i've battled to keep on keeping on. and i've known that in struggling, i'm definitely not the only one carrying pain.

i have stood amazed at the different ways that people try and help and make you feel better or relate or do not know how to relate others pain. to be quite honest, dealing with someone's pain is hard, no matter how trained we are in counselling or caring for each other as Christians. because when it really comes down to it, there is nothing you can say to make things better. you can be there, you can physically hug someone, but no words can make the pain go away. the only thing to do in the coalface of pain is to pray... and even that is hard sometimes... trying to find the words when none is left.

some people in not knowing what to say have said, perhaps it was for the best (for who? even though i know on an intellectual level that eternity is better). someone has said whether we're feeling better now (how, when there is still so much pain and missing). some even says that you just have to tell yourself she's never coming back and to get on with life (sound advice, but the reason we're hurting is because we know we will only see her again in the after-life). someone else even mentioned that God plucks the most beautiful flowers for decoration in heaven (do you know how cruel that sounds).

i am thankful today for people that care... even those who muck it all up in trying to do so. i am even more thankful for family and friends that has just held us, in their arms, in their thoughts and in their prayers. i am thankful that i know that God loves us and have experienced Jesus personally in my life.

i am thankful today that there is eternity, that i know where ilne lives and that i know that she is happy and looked after. but i struggle with wondering why our little angel had to go. and i am struggling seeing the hurt that it causes my family.

i suppose life isn't fair and it would even be more unfair if God let all the bad stuff only happen to those who are not His children. i suppose there is so much we will never understand in this life. and i suppose that is ok.

so even on a day like today, i'll remember that God's grace for today will be sufficient. i'll be thankful for those who uphold us in their prayers. and i'll keep close to God... when there's nowhere else to go.

if you are in pain today, whether physically or emotionally, may God through this simple prayer, cover you in cotton wool, hide you beneath His wing and keep your mind at peace through His Holy Spirit.

for who I am or what I can do for you...

2007-04-29T07:29:00.000+02:00

having grown up as a Christian and knowing the blessing of God's favour, I think we can so easily confuse things.

God has been speaking to me about whether I love Him for who He is, or for what He can do for me.

I suppose it follows on from our family's current struggle with faith as we stand in the aftermath of so much faith and so many promises and then having to say goodbye to our beloved little Ilne. life will never be the same again, after the month of February 2007. there is a whole in our hearts that sometimes are just unbearable to carry and then sometimes, like this morning, i could honestly give myself over to worship, even though i still do not understand and most probably never will. for that instance, i can go beyond my heart that hurts and just joyfully enter into His glorious presence.

but God says.... you, you have known my love for all time, you who have experienced my grace and blessing for the 1000 generation, because of your forefathers honoring me, you who have grown up in a privileged home, never having excess, but having more opportunities than 90% of the earth's population, why do you love Me?

is it so that you will be protected from evil, is it so that I will bless you? do you serve me, because that's what all the generations before you has done? and are you loving me, for what I can do for you?

so quick am i to say, no Lord, i love you for who you are. but then when i get angry about what has happened this year and last and the one before, where it feels like my prayers did not get answered, where it feels like satan is driving a wedge into the sanctuary of having a family that is saved... there i have to stand still and evaluate. Do I know God for who He is, do i really know Him as person, who wants to have a relationship with me? Do i really seek Him for Him? or do i seek Him for me, for what i can get out of it....

if someone was engaging with me, just because they could get something out of the deal, i'd be pretty devastated. if someone told me they loved me and stopped loving me when they don't get their way, i'd say it is pretty cheap love. if someone only spent time with me, expecting to be rewarded, i'd be quite hurt. i could imagine ever becoming vengeful and distant if that was why someone loved me.

and therefor i do thank God that He is God and not me. He is faithful, forgiving, kind, gracious. He is God, who, even in the times, and sometimes that feels like more often than not, even in those times, where i serve Him for what i can get out of it, and He must feel like i treat Him like a push-button God, even then... He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.

and i fall on my knees, and say, Lord, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, help me... teach me, who You are. Help me to Love You for Who You are. Because You are Who You are.

because of who He is

2007-04-02T01:17:00.000+02:00

ever go through days where things just seem sort of out of whack... ? the times when you have the head knowledge of being a Kingdom child, but the heart seems to somehow have been left behind.

sometimes if you're lucky, it might just last for a day... sometimes it lasts for a little bit or a lot longer. you might have heard people speak about a desert experience. and as much as you would like to live as an example to the world, things seems just do not seem to quite gel.

i think that's when our spirits are crying out to slow down, spend some time at the feet of Jesus, hang onto that what you have learnt. repeat God's promises, delve into the Word, soak up the presence of the Holy Spirit, our Helper.

do this to obtain peace of mind, not because of how we feel, but because of who God is. He says that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He says that He will provide our every need. He says that He is Jehova Jireh, our Provider. He says that He is our Father. He says that He is our Redeemer. He says He is our Saviour.

When i think i am not strong enough, He says I am.

When i feel that i'm not going to survive this, He says I am.

When i struggle and feel like i've lost the way, He says I am.

When i feel that there's no joy left, He says I am.

When i feel that i can not figure life out, He says I am.

When i think there's no way, He says I am.

so luckily, today is not depending upon what i feel or think. it is dependent on who He is. Let's hang onto that... that He is the Great I am... but most of all, that He loves us more than we can ever imagine!

When we're hurting...

2007-03-15T07:02:00.000+02:00

I've realised early on in life that "Life is what happens when we've got other plans." I'm not always sure whether it is because God says His grace is new every morning and our society has taught us that we have to make the 5 year plan / 10 year plan, which does not seem to align....

But the fact is, that more often than not life does not turn out the way you planned it or expected it to. And sometimes even the best intentions from people that love you, hurt.

And it's so easy to turn that hurt into resentment and anger. To feel self-righteous and justified and hurt back. It seems to be part of our old nature.

But God says: "Bring it to me. Bring it all to me."

So when we're hurting Jesus says I've already paid the price, and in the New Heaven and on the New Earth there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more hurting. But seek my Kingdom here, today.

I suppose that is why so many people who return to this life after seeing heaven, says "we do not understand, the life hereafter is more amazing than we could ever imagine". And it is forever...

I could do with sitting at the feet of Jesus, today, while I am hurting and forever more.

I don't understand...

2007-03-08T01:38:00.001+02:00

It's been almost two weeks since our little Ilne left for heaven. Some days are harder than others and some days are easier.

There are some days that I wish the sun would not rise and then there are some when I have complete peace.

Do I understand why even when we stood in faith, God still allowed Ilne to make the choice and leave this earth... no I don't. Do I understand why we got so many confirmations on so many occassions that we had to pray and believe? no I don't. Do I understand why God allowed our family to go through this heartache, even though I know that I know that He loves us more than we could ever imagine?... no I don't. Is it easy for me to say that healing can also mean in this life hereafter.... no, it still feels like a cop-out.

Do I understand why some people get healed and others dont... No I do not have answers for that. Is it going to be easy to walk this road and learn to trust what I hear God saying... no it is still a long road ahead.

So what do I know?

I know that Ilne was never alone, through all of it Jesus was there right beside her

I know that we're in Christ and He is in us, so that our pain and our anguish He felt and carried, and paid for on the cross long before these days

I know that we will be reunited with her one day in heaven, because this life is just a sandgrain compared to the rest of eternity

I know that one morning I will get up and although there will always be a gap in my life, I will smell the flowers and see the colours in the sunrise again - not because I've forgotten her, but because she would want me to live life to the full

I know that through all of this, God brought us closer as a family and as a family in Christ. We were never alone, His life-giving Spirit carried us where we couldn't walk and will continue doing so on the hard days

I know that God is faithful and that God is God, sovereign and holy!

Someone asked me during the time if there was any good news? I could not help but answer "The good news is that Jesus is alive and therefor, no matter what happens, we can live and never die!!"

I definitely do not claim to have the answers and I definitely do not claim to have overcome it all. But I know that God's grace is infinite and even there where there are no answers... there still is God.

A celebration of our angel's life - we will see you in Heaven!

2007-03-08T00:30:00.000+02:00

Exactly a month after Ilne's accident, we had a memorial celebration of her life and a time to say we say goodbye but for a short while, we will see you again. Although some days are harder than others, we have a hope in Christ, that she is alive and only waiting for us on the other side of the finish line.

There were toadstools and balloons in pink and purple and flowers with butterflies and strings of beads. A powerpoint celebrating her life and a choir dance, which proclaimed, "God is light, there is NO darkness in Him!". And amongs our tears of missing her and not understanding, God reassured us that "He is faithful!" And that He loved us more than we could ever know.

We know that it was just a glimpse of the celebration in heaven. I've asked Jesus to make sure that she has sweet tea, and ice-cream and loud music and that someone will do different hairstyles everyday! I know He has heard my prayer. And as we walked out and have to go on with life, we know that our lives have been touched by an angel, whose race has been run. At some point in time it felt like satan had won, but God reminded me that Ilne had won, she had achieved the ultimate prize, eternal life after finishing her race.

The question remains: What will happen with you when you get to the end of your race? Will you have found Jesus and know that He is the one that saves... He stands at the door and knocks, eternity is a reality. What is your answer?

Thank God, she lives in Eternity with her beloved Jesus!

2007-02-28T10:53:00.000+02:00

To all our brothers and sisters in Christ. Our little Ilne decided that it was time to go to her beloved Jesus on Monday afternoon 16h30. Praise Him, she's alive in paradise. We have peace that she has gone to be dancing in front of her BIG BIG God and we will see her in Eternity. We will miss her terribly, but we thank God for having had the blessing of knowing her and witnessing how much she loved and served our Lord, even at the age of 6.

Even in the past 3 weeks, her life was a witness to many, in our country and around the world in at least 12 countries and many lives changed through the testimony of a little girl consecrated to God. We do not have all the answers and we will miss forever, but look forward to meeting her one day in heaven. Ilne's message to everyone staying behind would be: "Live life to the full and know God intimately". Take heed to that message.

Please join us in thanking God for His eternal love, for lending us this angel for 6 years and for giving us a hope that we will one day see her again. Ilne, we love you FOREVER!

We also pray God's blessings upon you for standing strongly with us in faith and your prayers. Your support has been amazing.

God bless you.

Never alone...

2007-02-23T09:19:00.000+02:00

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of passage? His dad takes him into the forest..blindfolded...and leaves him....alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night...and not take off the blindfold until the ray of sun shines through it. He is all by himself. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night..he is a MAN.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience. Each lad must come into his own manhood.The boy is terrified...he can hear all kinds of noise...Beasts are all around him. Maybe even some human would hurt him. The wind blows the grass and earth... And it shakes his stump. But he sits stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could be a man.

Finally, after a horrific night..the sun appears and he removes his blindfold. It is then that he sees his father..sitting on the stump next to him...at watch...he has been there the entire night.We are never alone. Even when we do not know it, our Father is protecting us...He is sitting on the stump beside us. All we have to do is reach out to Him.-- Author Unknown

"The Joy of the Lord is my Strength"Nehemiah 8:10

We pray for breakthrough!

2007-02-22T00:22:00.000+02:00

"Psalm 34:15 They eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry."

On Friday evening 23 February 2007 at approximately 19h30, it will be 21 days since the freak accident when Ilne got shocked by electricity and her heart stopped. God heard our hearts' cries and brought her back after 59 minutes. At first there did not seem to be any problem, but as time went by, we realised that very little brain activity was happening. Her body is healthy, but we are waiting upon God to wake her up. God on more than 4 separate occassions gave us the story of Jairus' daugther. More than 3 times did He say to us on the same day Isaiah 58:8 "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard." 3 times God said to us Hebrew 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." These are only a few instances of how God has carried us through the past 3 weeks.

We have heard stories of people recommitting their lives to God, testimonies of children asking their friends or waking up a parent to lead them to Jesus, someone going to church to pray for Ilne after having neglected the church for years and mothers changing priorities to focus on their children. God has heard our prayers and kept Ilne safe from deteriorating health. Already we have seen miracles and the praise and glory are all God's. Someone said Ilne is lying still so that the church can start moving and trust God for a miracle. What do we believe about our God? From all over South Africa and the world, people have united in praying for our angel child.

What we've learned in the Bible in this time about healing is that we have to pray and have faith and God says He will heal us. So we are standing on those promises.

Please unite with us in prayer on Friday evening at 19h30 (South African Time GMT+2) to ask our faithful heavenly Father to miraculously wake Ilne up and complete the healing of our own Jairus' child as He has promised.

Please also pass this onto every believer who believe in a God of miracles that has not changed, who believes that through the wounds of Jesus (Isaiah 53:5), we are healed, who believes that God wants to declare His glory and show His love for us and the world through signs and wonders. He is Jehovah Rapha, our healer God and He declares: "I am the God that healeth thee".

Mark 9:23 says " 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

So please pass on the message and unite as the body of Christ in this request and more importantly in faith to what God can do. To Him all the honour and glory and thanks!

God bless you.

Our God of love!

2007-02-14T00:51:00.000+02:00

Our God is a God of love! On this day as people buy each other flowers and cards and chocolates... it needs to be a reminder of Him who made it all. The love we feel for others, is because we were made in His image.

In waiting upon His manifestation of His healing hand on our Ilne in our physical world, God reminded me of His great Love! He told me that as much I believe my mom and dad loves me, He loves me a million times more. Through lifting us up every day as we wait upon His miracle, He showed me that He loves me and my family and the people around us and even you reading this, way way way more than we can ever imagine. He told me that we do not have to beg Him to hear us, He has heard. And He is all-powerful, allmighty, righteous, faithful, wonderful. There is NO-ONE like Him!

He is LOVE. You can only but read His Word to realise how much He loves us. How many times did the Israelites not walk away from Him and after bringing them back He would love them again. Most of us would have given up on them a long time ago, just chosen another nation, not bother with them anymore.

Most of us would have given up on ourselves a looooong time ago, every time we wandered away from Him who loves us with an everlasting love.

The ultimate Valentine's love poem is written in John 3:16 "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." He did not spare His only Son, because He loved you!!

and yet He waits, He calls you by name. He wants to be your God, He wants to share your life and give you good things. He wants you to be with Him eternally. Do not delay... there will never ever be anyone that will love you the way He does. Praise be to His name, who stays faithful and wonderful forever!

we are waiting upon God!

2007-02-08T01:28:00.000+02:00

as God is raising up people to declare His glory and pray for Ilne around the world, from Canada, to New Zealand, from Puerto Rico to France, from Dubai to the UK, and all over South Africa, we wait upon Him.

He is Sovereign, Almighty, Our Father God and even in the times where we get weary, His compassion lifts us up. He is Jehova Rapha, "I am the Lord that healeth thee".

Praise His name.

do you believe in miracles...

2007-02-06T05:19:00.000+02:00

in december God warned me to pray for my family and loved ones. having walked a path with God for more than a number of months about growing in faith, it felt easy to theoretically speak about wanting to see more of God and His power and Glory, and Him healing people... it's all good and well, until it is your own niece.

by some freak accident, my niece, Ilne Meyer (little girl on the picture) got shocked on Friday night. Her heart stood still and even though four doctors (including her mom and dad) did everything they could, her heart would not start. They said that they would continue for 60 minutes at which point in time, they would believe that God had taken her home... We all united in prayer to plead for God's mercy for this little girl, aged 6 that loves Him with all of her heart. On 59 minutes my eldest sister in her mind's eye saw a nurse saying "call it, call it", meaning to say that it's time to give up. She cried to God and said "NO!! You say that by your stripes, Jesus, we are healed!". i believe God said to me NO, it's not her time. So God started her heart somewhere between minute 59 and 60! It was a miracle....

There seemed to be no brainswelling, the organs were ok, Sunday morning i testified in chuch to His Glory... God said to me it's not her time, and gave me the story of Jairus. We were rejoicing... as she was in a deep sedation, we did not know, but slowly it started being clear that her brain is showing very little activity. Doctors have said there is very little activity in the brain... and that's where God said to us... do you really believe I am the miracle God? Forget about being theoretical about this, this was my niece.

And that is when God said: I am the God that healeth... that is truly what we believe. And all over South Africa, in Australia, in the UK, even in Puerto Rico, there are people that's praying for little Ilne's life, for the Spirit to restore her and breath life into her brain. Some moments it's easy to believe, some moments it's really hard!

Yesterday God gave me the same story which i got on Friday in Luke 8:50 in Mark 5, i wrote her name next to it. At the same time without sharing this with my brother, a friend of his, who really searches the Lord saw a hand writing on a piece of paper, Mark 5. Another friend of my sister's wanted to send her a sms that didn't go through, but confirmed it later that she wanted to tell my sister to remind God of Jairus' daughter. All the scriptures confirmed, what we believe God is saying.

This afternoon, after having a long struggle and crying hysterically before God... yes i'm in no ways perfect or not failing in my faith, God told me to send my brother Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength". Shortly afterwards my brother sms'ed back to say that God told him more than 4 times this morning, to just wait upon Him, the one who holds life and death in His hands. what a confirmation!

So do i believe in miracles... YES, i believe in a God that never stopped doing them, maybe we're just a people that have stopped asking for them, looking to circumstances and people and not what God is saying. i believe that we are entering end days, where people will need to see more of God and less of us, more of His glory and less of institutions and what we think, more of His power and more of His transforming powerful change in people's lives.

so we believe God is about to do a BIG thing! Ilne, our little angel's favourite song is "Big God". "Big God, Big dreams, big plans, Big EVERYTHING, because I've got a BIG GOD!!!" and so here we will stand, upon His word, waiting for His healing miracle! Please pray with us! To Him all the glory and honour!

rollercoaster ride...

2007-01-23T04:10:00.000+02:00

it seems so often that just when i'm really in a very good space with God, it is so quickly for me to experience the opposite. it's not that i think i get into spiritual "pride"... it just seems that my foot sometimes is just not as secure as i would like it to be.

maybe it's got something to do with my emotions, that rides high and low so quickly... and maybe it's because of the war raging for my soul... and that's when i need to remind myself... Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will.

God's love doesn't change. His intimacy with me doesn't change, unless i let it. His intentions for me doesn't change. And often it's just an attack on my heart from the evil one or one of his evil mates. the heart is the source of all things and it belongs to God.

important to know that God renewed it, it's new... not sinful and awful, but new... yet, sometimes, satan still tries to plant a thought in there, that's not from God. and that is where we need to take those thoughts captive in the Name of Jesus. and remember that every day, every step of the way, we are on a battle ground. sometimes we get a bit of a reprieve, but still the battle rages on through the ages. so stand up and FIGHT!

and when those thoughts come and you feel a bit like a wave in the sea, stand upon the Rock... ask for His protection and closeness. plead the blood of Jesus. read His word, do not forget any of His promises, or any of the things He's already done for you. And know that He is intently interested in every detail of your life. That's what a true relationship means.

and HANG ON to His glorious Name... and praise Him. nothing that gets us on the winning side like Praising His Holy Name!!

meeting place

2007-01-22T11:18:00.000+02:00

so in the early morning hours

when i wait for You to meet me

i smile at the thought of You

Loving Father, Saviour too

yes as i wait for You to meet me

entering in this special place

my heart is filled with anticipation

my spirit filled with Your great love

You always make time

to walk beside me

always come, i just need to ask

i thank You Lord that You really SEE me

and that You really are my God

The year of the Lord's favour!

2007-01-18T10:47:00.000+02:00

There is nothing more amazing, than when God reveals Himself to His people. And this is what we are currently experiencing... in more than one church, people have experienced God saying: "This is the year!" "This is the year that I will reveal my glory to my people".

And I am excited. I believe there has been a time where we havent really thought that much about God's glory. That we sort of got used to not seeing miracles, that we started believing the great lie that God only did it in the olden days.

But this is the Truth: God says "This is the year of the Lord's favour!". All we need to do is to seek His face. Ask me and I will show you great things, says the Lord. Let's seek Him with all of our hearts! And see His glory!

Mustardseed faith

2007-01-09T09:30:00.000+02:00

what is faith? so often we speak about faith as if it is something that is still to happen, and that like Thomas, if we can only see it, we will believe.

In the Amplified Bible Hebrews 11:1 says "NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, [a]the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]."

This means that even though we can not perceive it in the physical world, God says through faith we have the titledeed of that which we can not see.

Faith is not based on anything we are, but totally on who God is. It is not about our strength of believe, it is about God's allmighty power. It's not about my ability to "think" things into being, it's about God's sovereign might to bring things into being.

So as we walk with God and get to know His faithful nature more and more, and His loving Father heart towards us, we can look more at Him, and the promises He has made than at the so called "facts" which we can perceive in this world.

And with the power of faith, the size of a mustardseed, God can move mountains. Let's ask God to grow our faith, so that the world can see He is alive!

emotions, emotions, emotions

2007-01-05T07:29:00.000+02:00

in those moments where i am totally at peace, but yet also just so human and feel the strong pangs of missing the one i love and can not be with right now, i know that God sees me and reaches out.

and this is where i think we often make the mistake. God took great care in giving us a range of emotions and when the Bible speaks about finding your joy in the Lord, it doesn't mean that we should always walk around with a "haha" happy happy attitude. too often Christians do not get real about how we're really feeling in the hope that others will think that we find our joy and peace in Him, and it becomes a bit of an achievement culture. the happier, the closer we must be to God?

serving Jesus does not mean that i will only have the so-called positive emotions. too often sadness or feeling tired or down is seen as "negative emotions". it is only when satan uses these to keep us in bondage that it becomes a problem.

but the Bible shows us that Jesus felt anxiety and anger and sadness. when he heard that Lazarus had died, he cried. i think he mostly cried for Lazarus' friends and his family, but also for him. i think he also cried, because it made the gap that had come between God and man because of sin, so tangible for Him to see. when He saw what the sellers had done to God's beloved temple, He got angry and chased them out. when He saw how the leaders of Israel were misleading His people, He called them for what they were. when He realised that His time to be separated from His Father and the time to carry the sins of the world was upon Him, He took it to His Father in anxiety, and was sweating blood. He asked God if it could not be different.

And maybe that is what we need to learn - in all our emotions, albeit feeling good or feeling like death, we need to take it to our heavenly Father. He longs to help us carry where we are too tired to go on, He longs to share the moments where life just seems incredibly good, He longs to hold us when it just hurts too much. He longs to walk with us, speak to us, commune with us.

He longs to be there every step of the way, whether we're crying or celebrating. He is our God.

Closer to God

2007-01-01T05:29:00.000+02:00

When bad things happen to good people, there is often one of two responses. Either God doesn't care or God is not in control. So quick are people to then say that free choice is not that important and that God could have stopped whatever happened from happening.

God sometimes allows bad things to happen to His children. Not because He wants to punish them. Not because He doesn't love them. Just because He is a fair God and He it would not be fair that all the bad stuff only happened to people not believing in Him. But so often, if we ask Him He does protect us, or something happens that seems really terrible but in hindsight was a warning for something worse.

And when bad things happen which we dont understand, we do have the amazing promises of His word. He says in Romans 8:28 " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." In Romans 8:37 - 39 the Word says "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

And in this lies the secret, when bad things happen to you, God wants us to move closer to Him, not further away. He wants to lift you up in His arm, surround you with His goodness, calm you with His peace. He wants to reassure you of His love, carry you were it gets too hard to go any further. He wants to be your rearguard and your Salvation. So move closer to Him! Under the shadow of His wing, He can dry your tears and let all things work for the good of those who love Him. By looking to Him in faith, we allow Him to take even the bad and turn it into good. He can do that because He is God - and He loves us.

War... and I know who wins!

2006-12-30T00:22:00.000+02:00

so often i've complained or heard Christians complain that life is hard and that it always feels like a struggle. having just gone through some major heartache about the Godly man that I love, having my car stolen, having my work contract cancelled and having seen bad things happen to Christian friends of mine, I've realised once again, this is War.

Ephesians 6: 12 says "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Having just started to ask people to pray for the business I'm in, praying for the deliverance of the one I loved, believing God for miracles, I am suddenly aware that it is War. God has been preparing me for months for this, for war. I had no idea, I had NO idea how hard it could be.

But Jesus' promises still remain: John 16:20 - 24 "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

So I will remember that faith is to believe that which we can not see. Faith is knowing that God works everything to the good of His children. He reminds me that it is a war and therefor I have to hold onto Him even more so and pray constantly.

And I believe the closer we move to God the harder the resistance will be. The nearer we get to the end times, the fiercer the battle. Let us prepare ourselves, by wearing the armour of God, by not letting satan have even the slightest hold on us. Let us not forget to remind the world who is God.

And let us unite in battle, with prayers and with faith and with the sword of His word in our hands. This is war... but we know who wins! God is in control.

surrendering...

2006-12-29T07:51:00.000+02:00

surrender.... we use the word so often, that one could be forgiven for thinking that it is easy. and then i find that it is not...

and although i love God with all of my heart, i find that i still doubt, still try and hold on, still try and figure it out, still try and adjust and control in some sort of way, even if it is just to keep on praying and feeling a bit frantic, and that my actions and my prayers might somehow persuade God to answer...

and time and again, i fall on my face, i bleed, i cry, i wish things were different, i rebel at what doesn't seem fair or right, i worry, and i sometimes even resent not being able to change things around me.

and it's then, when at last i actually just feel like dying, crawling into a corner and never waking up, that God's gentle Spirit whispers into my secret place, there where just Him and I can go... deep down inside I become aware of this: "Surrender".

surrender your heartaches and your battles and your fears and your doubts and your human thoughts and your cries and your needs, because I say "I am the Way". "I am the Jesus that resurrected people from the dead, I am the Jesus that cried with Mary and Martha about Lazarus, I am the Jesus that calmed the storm." "I am the Father that says cast all your anxiety upon Me, because I care for you, I am the God that has good plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." "Even if a mother could forget her only child, I have not forgotten you, I have your name (and his) engraved in the palm of my hand."

"I have loved your with an everlasting love, I have bought you with the blood of my Son." "I will never leave you nor forsake you".

And in that quiet whisper, i know that i am home and nothing i can ever do will change things, but God can. And it's then that i surrender...

Because that is what LOVE does!

2006-12-26T13:39:00.000+02:00

Jesus humbled himself.
He went from commanding angels
To sleeping in the straw.
From holding stars
To clutching Mary's finger.
The palm that held the universe
Took the nail of a soldier.

Why?

Because that is what LOVE does.

Jesus went from being God
to being human too.
From intimate communion with the Trinity
to being forsaken by God.
From having the right to condemn sinners
to dying for them on a cross.

Why?

Because that is what LOVE does.

Jesus went from heavenly thronerooms
to a humble manger.
From angels bowing before him
to shepherds at night.
From loving us always
to loving us more.

Why

Because that is what LOVE does.

The gift of God
The birth of Christ
This is Christmas

This is love... from the God of LOVE.

May you experience the Love, Joy and Peace that Jesus brought into this world, a Love, Joy and Peace that transcends any human understanding, a Love, Joy and Peace that is still relevant, even for you today. All you have to do is to accept it. Right now.... today.

God with us!

2006-12-25T20:08:00.000+02:00

It's Jesus' birthday... we could go into a major philosophical discussion on whether this is the real date, on whether we should be celebrating Christmas at all as it started as a pagan ritual. We could debate a whole bunch of things.. but this is not what Christmas is about.

A very dear friend of mine often says, keep it simple. God loved us so much that He sent His only Son to be born as a mere mortal being. I'm sure it wasn't all smooth-sailing. Like any birth there was pain and a baby crying. There was simplicity in where He was born. There was no doctors to help with painkillers or the delivery. There wasn't a host of angels to smooth the birth.

But there was joy on earth, where a host of angels told the shepherds about this amazing thing. There was PEACE! as God fulfilled His promises... as He always does. There was hope for a world that had become numbed in its hopelessness.

There was amazement by the world's wisest. The star that they followed across the evening sky moved in the opposite direction to what was a natural law.

That day when Jesus was born, to start His journey on earth, God came to be with us, Emmanuel. God came to make a way back to Him. God loved us that much, that He left His throneroom, and became man. Both Human and Divine.

What a glorious day! He was the fulfillment of all promises. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will provide your every need. Nothing can separate you from My love. My burden is light and my yoke soft. I will be with you till the end of time. I will be Your Father and you will be my children.

All we can say is Amen, Amen to that. Come Lord Jesus, Come.

May you be very blessed this Christmas in the notion that God is WITH US!! Glory be to the one and only faithful God.

making time!

2006-12-04T20:55:00.000+02:00

how is it that we get so busy so quickly and stop doing that which we really want to and need to do.... how is it that sometimes we can be so committed to spending time with each other, but not with God.... how is it that most of the time we can make time for everything except for spending time with the One who loved us so much that He sent His only Son to die on a cross for us....

it's not that i walk around in utter condemnation all the time, but just sometimes, sometimes i get a glimpse of a Father heart that loooooongs for some time alone with me. it's so easy to become a group visitor, cellgroup, church group, friend circle, couple circle.... and i know God wants that, He wants us to come as a community of believers....

but then i know, that sometimes, just as i long to have some quiet time with the one that i love, God would love to have my undivided attention. He doesn't need it, He is God, He doesn't claim it, even though He is God. He doesn't demand or nag or take or force the issue... though as humans, in those times that we need Him, we often throw a tantrum or two until we believe we have His attention.

in a time where we are moving closer to celebrating the birthday of His Son, let's slow down, take stock, sit still long enough to listen and to hear Him. let's forget about the work that is drawing to a close, the Christmas presents that still have to be bought, the food that still needs to be prepared, the letters still to be written.

let's slow down, not so much because we are tired, but because we need God. His voice we need like the seedlings need the rain. His touch we need like the sunflowers need the sun. His will we need like the air that we breath. let's be as disciplined in our relationship as we are in going to gym or meeting that deadline.

God is waiting.... all He wants is for you to be fully focused, waiting upon Him. He longs to spend some time with you, so that He can reveal His glorious love and grace and kindness in a new way. Now is the time to seek His face.%0

Be overwhelmed by God's power!

2006-09-19T19:57:00.000+02:00

If you're overwhelmed by circumstances, you are underwhelmed by the power of Jesus.... This has become my motto for the past few weeks. And when others say to me, that it will never work, I say to them, You can not see my God!

It is so easy to look at the sea around us that is whipping into an intense strom and listen to the wind howling, until we can barely hear our own thoughts. It is so easy to take our eyes off Jesus even though our feet are saying that they are walking on water. It is so easy to get caught up in the moment, and feel the fear grip a tight hand around your heart. It is so easy to look at our circumstances and feel we are overwhelmed and sinking.

And it's then that we forget who Jesus really is. He is the Alpha and Omega, He is the Beginning and the End, He is the Life, He is the Truth, He is the Way.

With Life He means life in full, also here on earth, today. And even though there seems to be other so-called truths out there... I'm not competent enough, I'm not good enough, rich enough, clever enough, I have a past, I have failings, I am only human.... in spite of all of these.. the real truth is Jesus loves me and He died on a cross for me. The real Truth is, that no matter what He says that we should not be concerned, because He provides for us. 1 Pet 5:7 should be the ultimate verse we hang onto.

He says He will provide! And that's when we need to look again at what we have learnt about God's nature. We've got to look at the names He teaches us for Him in the Bible. Provider, Father, Healer, Prince of Peace, Immanuel (God with us). We need to look at all the times He has brought us through, all the things were we can now, perhaps more easily in hindsight, see where He was there.

We need to say to ourselves: "I will not be overwhelmed, because God is overwhelming - in His love, His care, His power, His intervention." He has not forgotten you, He has bought you with the blood of His only Son!

Joy! God's love is OVERWHELMING!!

2006-08-19T21:15:00.000+02:00

What a God we serve... He creates us, He calls us to Him, He sends His only Son to die on a cross, so that we can come to Him. That we can return to Him, that we can be reconciled with Him, although we do not deserve it at all.

He reveals Himself to us, the Ruler / Creator / God of the Universe, wants to spend time with me... and with you. He wants to make Himself known, He wants us to bask in His glory. He calls us to Him like a lover, He has a (insert name here)-sized vacuum in His heart for you... just for you. Woah, that's almost to mind-blowing to mention, what to say to comprehend.

When you get lost, He searches for you, when you run away, He gently waits for you to return. Not because He has to, not because He needs you, but because He chooses to. Because HE LOVES YOU!

He loves you! He loves you! He loves you! He created all the beauty in the world just for you.. the rainbows, the forests, the mighty sea, the smallest of flower high up in the mountains, the beautiful wild horse in the desert, everything, just for you, just for you.

He calls your name, He beckons you to return to Him, He wants you to ask Him, because He is your Father, your Brother, your Friend, your Lover... Your God!

He is calling you to Him - dont wait any longer.

He is wanting to reveal all of Himself to you - His goodness, His glory, His unfailing love, His righteousness, His everlasting grace. He wants you to get to know Him, as He knows and loves you through and through. The time to get to know Him, is now! Do not delay to enter into His presence. No matter where you've been, no matter what you've done, no matter what might lie into your future. God wants to show you His love now!!

Look upon His Glory...

2006-07-16T21:54:00.000+02:00

Tonight as I was worshipping at my new spiritual home, God gave me a glimpse of the glory of Jesus... it was a magnificent sight to behold. So beautiful that me, the one with the words are battling to express what I saw in words...

It was glorious. Radiant blinding light! Jesus was clothed in white clothes that looked like it was made of a million precious and semi-precious stones and gold thread all in one. It was covered in something that looked like silver or gold yarn, that had the luminesence of fibre optic. He was radiant and beautiful and magnificent, standing in the throne-room of His Father. But all along in this radiance and magnificent glory, there was the most amazing smile of peace and love on his face. His eyes rested upon me and I knew all was well... I was in awe, but had the most incredible sense of belonging and being loved and peace.

And gave me this vision, the pastor suddenly said that he felt God was saying that we need to gaze upon Jesus and "by gazing upon the glory of Jesus, we become more like Him"... WOAH! WOAH! WOAH..... and I realise that the old hymn "Cast your eyes upon Jesus" had way more value that what we can ever imagine. The call was to press into seeking God and in particular the glory of Jesus.

And I suppose this is what our generation needs. Real Christians that patiently presses into God's glory and His holiness. Seeking His face, getting to know Him, so that we can hear His voice when He calls us. Only by knowing the glory of God, His beauty, His incredible love, His magnificence, His exuberance, His Light, will we be effective in reflecting His light.

denial - what about me...

2006-05-14T20:45:00.000+02:00

sadness... there's a great sadness that lies in my heart, when i realise that i've still not learnt much about servanthood, denying my own self, taking up my cross, being Jesus to my neighbour.... and the person that takes advantage of me and my client who knows everything and treats me like i'm only a dumb female and the supplier that treats me with disdain.

and here i stand and i just know that a glimpse of Jesus in me was very dim this week.

The Spirit convicts me in my heart that I've gone backwards again... instead of being able to stand outside of myself remembering that "I don't always have to proof myself right, but I always have to be fair". I feel devastated that so easily that which I've conquered through the Spirit, that fruit that God eventually got me to grow, has been devastated by the very important "Me".

I look at someone else who seems to know it all and speaks his mind about it and, yes, although I know there is a spiritual battle and we clash because of differing value systems, I know that I know, my Father doesn't say that I've gotta serve those who I love or that respect me or that treat me well. And I wonder whether I often also come across like this man standing in front of me. Jesus tells me to love the Samaritan, in my case the person that I severely dislike at the moment... to help him, to pay the price for him.

God, and I know I have fought the battle and won once, but this week, this day, I lose it over and over again... and if I was the only Bible that people read today, they would have had very little soul food to take with them.

my heart pains with sorrow. and i know, it's back to the drawing board, back to putting my selfish ego on the altar of love. i know God is a God of second chances and third ones and fourth ones etc. etc. it's by grace that i am saved from myself again. tomorrow, Holy Spirit, with your help, i'll keep my eyes upon you. deliver me from evil....

Does God celebrate Easter?

2006-04-16T21:33:00.000+02:00

Easter... I've wondered how God celebrates Easter every year... when we start packing our bags, often not making a plan to fit in the most important event in our Christian faith, and we buy the hot-cross buns and the easter eggs and the drinks... and we prepare to rest and forget to pack the Bible...

Or we spend the Thursday night in solitude, contemplating the last hours of Christ, which we saw so vividly depicted in "The Passion of Christ" and we cry as we think about what Jesus went through. And on Sunday morning we smile, and praise God that satan has been defeated and has no hold over our lives anymore...

And then I wonder, what is God thinking...

I'm sure there is a moment of sadness, when Father and Son reflects on that moment where Jesus called out "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?". That moment when the perfect trinity unity was broken. And that is what hell is - a place where God is not.

I'm sure there is a moment where God the Father, holds His Son's hand when He remembers the shame and ridicule and pain inflicted by those He created to be His children. I'm sure sometimes They remember the taunts and the spitting and the desertion by those He thought loved him. They can still hear the voice of Peter, which too often sounds like mine, denying that he ever knew that man, that Jesus. I think God even sees my hand, and yours, so often driving those nails into the hands and feet of our Jesus.

I think maybe for a moment, God reflects on Mary and the women crying at the cross. My tears flow into theirs. Maybe Jesus remembers the pain and scandal, He never wanted his mother to go through. Maybe He reflects on asking his disciple to take care of His mom, His brethren, His flock. His voice resounds even into this time. I'm sure there is a moment when He sadly remembers the weakness, the fear, the man with the silver in his hand. I wonder what we sometimes would ask in return for His head?

But then, I know God remembers that His Son's sacrifice, brought us home. I'm sure they smile at the thought of having us reconciled with God. I know that Jesus thinks that even if the nails were not there to keep Him nailed to the cross, His love would have kept Him there. And I know for sure, that even if it was just you or me, that had to be bought by His blood, He would have done it anyway. I believe that although somewhere the memory of descending to hell and the forces of darkness chastisising Him for every sin and iniquity of all of mankind, remains in His mind, His love covers it, wipes it out. And that if He had to choose, to buy back those that the Father has given Him, He would go to hell and back again, and again. I see a great celebration in heaven. A celebration of the life, death and resurrection of Christ, a celebration of God's triumph over Satan, a celebration every time when someone finally gets it - that Jesus died and rose from the dead, so that we can LIVE!

I wonder about The Father and The Son and the Spirit and what they are thinking when they see our feeble efforts to try and understand exactly what really happened then. The magnitude of the perfect Son of Man, but also the Son of God, on the cross, for the sins of the world, at the hands of satan and his followers. The moment of truth, of God dying to save us from our sin. The moment of triumph, when God overcomes the canyon of sin, death and destruction and buys us back with His Son's blood. My mind can barely comprehend the basics of such a great love.

But I know that God hears our heart's cry, the Father/Son/Spirit hear our simple prayers of gratitude, God sees our hands reach out to touch His heart and He knows, even in our humanity, that we love Him. That's all He ever wanted.

You are free!

2006-04-16T20:42:00.000+02:00

God's grace is free! On this amazing day, the day where we celebrate our Lord and Saviour and Lover and Friend, Jesus, rising from the dead, overcoming the last vestage of evil in our lives, overpowering the powers of darkness, breaking the power of satan in our lives forever, the message is clear. You are free!

Not just free from the penalty of death and eternal condemnation, not just free to come into the presence of God (what amazing grace), but free also from all the guilt of not being good enough, not praying hard enough, not being spiritual enough.

Yes God comes to where you are! Jesus look for Peter while he is fishing, Jesus appears to Mary while she is mourning, Jesus calls to Thomas while he is doubting.

Someone said to me today: "It's not about how good or bad you are, it's about God being good!". As we sometimes strive (or not), to be better, deeper, stronger, more in control, less doubting, holier, cleaner, superior? God says: "Enough. In Jesus you are enough."

And in a society where we have to earn everything, prove our self-worth, pretend we're someone we're not, God says: "I see you, washed clean through the blood of my beloved Son. The price He paid has set you free!"

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die." —John 11:25-26

God bless you on this day, the most important celebration in our Christian lives! May Easter remind you of His great love. And His words: "It is done!"

God is good, all the time...

2006-03-29T10:32:00.000+02:00

Gratitude... that's the word I want to live by today (the picture is the crystal that forms when you speak the word love and gratitude into water, for more on that click here). woke up this morning and just realised that God is a very very good God! i looked at the sunshine morning, the beautiful mountains, lying in my very comfortable bed, getting up to have the breakfast that's always there.... and realised, we are so quick to complain, so fast to look at all the tough stuff in our lives, and not quick enough to recognise the amazing blessings we have.

If you are lucky enough to have an education, be thankful, because 70% of the world's population does not. If you are blessed enough to be fed, go on your knees and thank God, because 50% of the world's population will go hungry today. If you are reading this on your own PC, say thanks, because you are one of the lucky 1% in the world.... If you have shoes and clothes, a roof over your head and food on your table, you are richer than 75% of the earth's population.

If you can enter a church or place of worship without fearing for your life, you are more blessed than about 3 million other people. and if you survive this week, you are luckier than 1 million people who will not make it.

so my word for today is gratitude... gratitude, because God has blessed me with a family that loves me, with incredible friends that would go to the ends of the earth for me, with food and clothes and technology and books and beautiful things that I am surrounded with. And for one of the most beautiful places in the world that I can call home.

Jesus - the Prince of Change?

2006-03-28T12:54:00.000+02:00

The only constant in life is change. It’s easy enough to say that that is just the way life goes, but when it touches your life intimately, the black on white statement is not that easy to swallow.

If I look at my own life, I sold everything I had a while back and became a glorified maid on a sail yacht. Everyone thought that I was being very brave, but I knew that God had led me to it, which would have left me with a “what if” for the rest of my life if I hadn't followed.

But things didnt quite work out the way I had planned it and instead of travelling for a year or two, I was back in the country within seven months. With no plans or understand of “what’s next”.

About two years ago, we had to watch how my sister’s husband lost his senior post at a large firm, and with that their stability. It was a long road to changing their thinking, and nights spent in tears and learning child-like trust, but they got through it growing much closer to God.

And now my sister’s daughter is faced with making a career choice and the difficulty of saying goodbye to friends that she’s spent her past 5 years with.... it is a moment of naked truth. There are decisions to be made, that will touch every part of her life. There is a young love that will ultimately suffer from whatever decision is made. And I watch how the weight of these decisions pressed down on her. It hurts, but is part of the reality of this world.

Fifty years ago life just seemed to revolve around constants. For most, children grew up in the same town, the same school and went to study at the same tertiary education facility. You got a good job and at the end of your loyal service, you got a golden watch. People entered marriage and in spite of everything, stayed together... Things weren’t necessarily easier, but from where we stand, it appears less complicated.

And then I wonder, where is God in the midst of all this change? Does He know how tired our spirits become, when our only fellow passengers are new things? Does He see when all we feel like doing is to close our bedroom doors behind us and just hide away from making any decisions in that world outside the door?

And then, without hesitation I think about Jesus. How difficult it should have been for him to literally pak His Spirit in a suitcase one day, leave His Father’s side, pass through the halls and set off on the road to earth. He knew that change was the only way. Instead of being seen as the Son of the Creator of All, He became the son of a carpenter. Instead of being worshipped by angels, He had to help carry the water and sand down the wood and listen the neighbourhood children making fun of his mother. Instead of being surrounded by the goodness and grace of God, He had to face the probing, judging looks of the leaders of the community at the tender age of twelve. How hard must these changes have been for Him.

He didnt have a house to go to, or a bedroom door to draw shut behind him. Entering into His Father’s presence had to happen somewhere on a mountain or on the sea, amidst the voices of the fishermen and the lost. Where He was surrounded by love in his Father’s house, the love was often drowned out by hatred, jealousy and those seeking their own agendas. In His Father’s home, He was the guest of honor, on this earth He was the Rejected one, the Loner.

And then I stop and realise: Jesus knows. He was here. He knows what it feels like not to know where your next meal is coming from, or where you will be sleeping. He knows what it feels like to greet your friends and not have any idea of when, if ever you’ll see them again. He knows what it feels like when you can barely breath and the world just closes in on you. He knows what it feels like that there are no escape from this darkness which seems to drive out all light. He knows, because He’s been there.

But even more so, He understands. And He wants to hold you tight, reassuring you of God’s love for you. Because He has experienced all of the above, we can also call Him the Prince of Change, although He is also the Constant One. In a way, He has experienced more change than we can ever comprehend. And therefor we can know, that no power or angels or things above heaven or below the earth or any change, no matter how radical or challenging, can separate us from the Love of God. The price He paid for us, was just too dear...

about broken dreams and broken hearts...

2006-03-05T19:21:00.000+02:00

as i watch people around me go about their daily lives, i become aware that amongst the joy of a new baby or an election that's been won or a new boyfriend and a new house, some broken hearts on the mend, there are so many walking wounded.

there's a marriage that falls apart after 17 years of togetherness - she's 20 and she fulfills me(?), a friendship that breaks under all the daily pressures and different viewpoints, a friend who has to watch on as her x-husband marries (the woman he left her for and her children meeting the new family). there's a friend who looks so lost not even she is aware of it (and feels judged for it and keeps on running), there's someone who can not find a job and don't know where the next pay-check's going to come from, engulfed by the nagging manic-depression that has become part of her life.

and i recognise in all of them a tiredness, a loneliness, a search for a wholeness, a cry that at least someone would notice and say, "it's all gonna be alright". and as i recognise it, i so often also recognise a piece of me.

and i wonder, where are you Jesus, the Healer, the Binder up of Wounds... do you see the broken dreams and broken hearts and hear the cry of those who have lost the way... do you recall, what it was like, when all deserted, you knew that all that was left to do was to die.

and as i see the brokenness around me, i wonder how much of it is our own doing, our own stubborness, selfishness, sinfullness.

but yet, inspite of it all, i pray. i pray for those who are lonely, those who are weary, those who just can not see the next day. i pray for compassion, for grace, for love that binds up all that is broken. i pray for cottonwool around their hearts and their broken lives. i pray for strength and for wisdom and for courage.

i try to keep on praying for them and know somehow, even when the words stop, You still hear the cries of my heart. i pray for them, for their dreams and hopes and aspirations. and when i pray for them, i also pray for me.

Perspectives...

2006-02-15T22:51:00.000+02:00

i'm not sure how the rest of your year has been going, but for most of the people around me it's started with some really difficult times. my new-agey friend says it's the universe making space for different things... and i'm not quite sure how i feel about that...

but yet, i've had I must say I’ve been a bit rattled for the first part of this year. Some of my mates have really been going through some dreadful stuff. My one mate broke up with her boyfriend, then wrote of her car and today they found her cat dead in the park – car hit it. She is devastated, and although I know the boyfriend was a cheating psychopath, she is hurting badly. Then another mate of mine, ended up in intensive care with breathing problems a week after they broke into their house and stole his uninsured notebook and then another guy drove into his wife’s car. Another friend's uncle died very suddenly of a heartattack. And then my godchildren’s dad told his wife after being together for 17 years that he wants a divorce and he’s met a 20 year old….

My brother-in-law is really struggling with his leg, it’s very painful and he might have to have a knee replacement. And had another epileptic attack. My mates and loved ones lives seems to be falling apart around me and it feels like there’s so little I can do for them… (I suppose prayer is the most magnificent I can do for them, but sometimes it feels like it's not enough).

and i suppose that's where i've learnt to look at life and the relativity of it all. one friend might be devastated about yet another valentine on her own, but i dont think it totally relates to someone's husband leaving her after 17 years of being together. not to negate any pain anyone is feeling, because i believe that we often forget that that is still the pain that people feels around us. and also not to compare what it feels like, because you can't really get into someone else's shoes, can you...

God gave us each a perspective, but sometimes it is good to sort of just look outside yourself. just when i get desperate about my finances / relationships or lack thereof / past hurts, i realise that there are others that need me more than i need myself. that's why God says "do not be concerned about anything"... He's already got that in hand. if we however, get too caught up with ourselves, we cant / dont care enough about those around us.

... but this is not an accusation or a call for hail mary's. it's all about balance. sometimes consolidation is needed, but sometimes a little bit of constraint about self-pity is called for. He FEELS for us. He CARES for us... but He needs our hands and feet and especially prayers, to touch those of the hurting and the sick and the lonely.

If we do not heed this call, who will???

moments in time...

2006-02-06T20:37:00.000+02:00

there are times when all you ever wanted was for everything to be simple... to be clear and open and to know what exactly to do.... those moments where it feels like you've been walking in this desert for way too long and wondering what the plan actually is... the moments where it feels like you've never really been close to understanding or knowing or doing exactly that what you were created for.

then there are moments where God is so close that you can almost feel him breath, you can smell the smell of the fresh rain and feel God's touch so close that it almost is too much to bear... the love grows overwhelming and it feels as if nothing really matters, but this moment in the presence of God. and you know that all that matters is being here, right here, right now.... and that that is what the purpose of your life is.

as i swing between these two in the pendulum called life, i realise that it is all about a relationship that is busy growing... as in every other relationships there are times when it will be hard to be in His presence... times when it just feels to much, i feel too little or too angry or too disillusioned... there are times when i cannot breath, because life is just too hard or too difficult or too empty or too full.... there are times when i just do not see what God is actually up to in my life, if He is actually there...

but then there are moments when all i can feel is His love covering me, carrying me, holding me in the hour of my despair... i can hear the well known story about the footsteps in the sand, i can feel the weight being swopped onto His shoulders... and it's then, yes then, that i know that He loves me.

And when I do not seem to know it, or it feels to distant, I can hold onto this relationship, hold onto those previous times where it also seemed to be so insignificant... and see My Father's hand... He does not ever let go... He might let you walk the path and learn the lessons you need to... but He never ever walks away. Instead He follows and He waits... His heart longs to be with you and have communion with you. It doesnt make sense at all, that He would choose me or you... But He does.... and somehow it makes sense because He is God.

In God's presence...

2005-11-08T14:21:00.000+02:00

i figure we are often so busy that we sort of hear Jesus at the door and take a quick cold call there on the front porch... there's bills to be paid, meetings to attend, books to read, e-mails to send, budgets to produce, people to manage... there's just sooo much... and all of it seems to be driven by fear...

fear that i wont be good enough, fear that i wont keep my job, fear that i wont be able to pay the bills, fear that somewhere i wont know who i am anymore if i'm not supermom, employee of the year, featured at least once on the Fortune500... somebody once said, that if you were rid of all fear, what would you really be doing... what would you be involved in, what would you be passionate about?

it seems that in all the mad rush, God's voice gets drowned out... we dont hear the "come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest", we barely distinguish the "cast all your anxiety upon me, because I care for you...", our ears have gone numb for the call to "ask and thou shalt receive"... and yet Jesus stands at the doors and He knocks, He wants to have community with us, He wants to share every day with us, He wants to bring God's peace / shalom into our lives. then and only then will we be able to be the light-carriers, the good news proclaimers, that God wants us to be.